Biscuits

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TrevorConway
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Biscuits

Post by TrevorConway » Sun May 17, 2020 8:08 pm

Have you ever studied the biscuit,
pondered its ubiquity,
its brisk forms and textures,
each a separate species:
the bourbon, rich tea,
the Spanish tan of the ginger nut,
the albino custard cream,
the digestive, fig roll, oat-proud hobnob,
the jammy dodger’s flagrant spirit?

Let’s talk about dipping:
a biscuit welcomes tea like a brother,
warps to its weight,
but soon it droops
as if on the point of sleep.
Only the daring or foolish
keep it submerged beyond a moment.

Cookies came,
with their complications of fruit and chocolate chip,
and so extinction loomed –
the biscuit survived,
it’s humble, obliging nature
cherished by hosts
and stomachy visitors.

Despite this, it may be wise
to keep your cupboard free of them
until such a guest arrives.
I’ve found that the daily presence of the biscuit
is too much
provocation.


Hey all,

This is the most recent poem I've written. Something about it doesn't sit quite right with me. Maybe it's just a lack of overall quality or something, but I'm particularly doubtful about the tone. Just wondering what other people's take on it is. Thanks very much for any time you can give to it.

T

Pauline
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Re: Biscuits

Post by Pauline » Sun May 17, 2020 10:03 pm

Hi Trevor.
I love the idea, and the fun you could have with this.
At the moment, for me, the opening stanza reads like a fat birds shopping list.

There were some fine lines that stood out for me.
a biscuit welcomes tea like a brother,
warps to its weight,
but soon it droops


Only the daring or foolish
keep it submerged beyond a moment.


Once I got to the cookies I found myself putting the lid back onto the biscuit barrel. I’d eaten enough.

You could do so much with this Trevor.
Give each biscuit a character.
Bourbon Freeman.
Lionel rich tea.
Ed Sheeran. The ginger nut.
Create your own characters .

Hey Trev, this is just my take on it.
Something for you to ponder, or not.
I look forward to seeing how you progress with this first draft.
Thanks for sharing Trevor . :D

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Biscuits

Post by NotQuiteSure » Mon May 18, 2020 12:40 pm

.
Hi Trevor,
my reaction is the same as Pauline's, so much potential (etymological, historical, political, comedic)
but the current draft doesn't seem to know what it wants to achieve (the last verse seems particularly weak).

Have you ever studied the biscuit,
- if you're going to open with this line (and why wouldn't you?) I think you need to follow through.
its brisk forms and textures
- like the sonics of 'brisk' but what does it mean?
pondered its ubiquity,
- like the sound of ubiquity, but doesn't this run into difficulty with the introduction of 'cookie'?
And what's your position on 'is the cookie a biscuit'?
(and because it's fun to play ...)
its utility and the pleasure
it brings?

A mouthful, morsel,
twice baked, brittle
crumbly, hardtack
spiced and snappy
dippable, rich
and always ready
to
welcome tea
like a brother ...


Regards, Not


.

TrevorConway
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Re: Biscuits

Post by TrevorConway » Tue May 19, 2020 8:55 pm

Thanks a million for your input, Pauline. Some good stuff to ponder over there. You made me chuckle with "Bourbon Freeman" and "Lionel Rich Tea". Good ones :D

T

TrevorConway
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Re: Biscuits

Post by TrevorConway » Tue May 19, 2020 9:17 pm

Hey Not,

Appreciate the feedback on this one. Re "brisk", I wanted a sense of its clean, dry, almost severe nature in a way, and I didn't want to use a word that came at it directly.

Re not following through on the first line, you felt it wasn't a "study" of the biscuit, correct? If so, any idea how such a study might manifest itself? Were you thinking of a more serious tone/exploration?

Re ubiquity and the cookie, you sense a contradiction in the implication that the biscuit nearly didn't survive, is it? I had in mind the idea that it bounced back and is now ubiquitous again.

Thanks for pointing out the weakness of the last verse. You're right.

Is the cookie a biscuit? No way. Madness. I don't know if we can be friends anymore after such a question :)

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Re: Biscuits

Post by Firebird » Tue May 19, 2020 9:25 pm

Hi Trev,

I think I’m picking up on a metaphor about evolution (‘ each a separate species’ and ‘extinction loomed -/
the biscuit survived‘), but I’m not quite sure what it is. Maybe it needs to be a little clearer? My favourite stanzas are 2 and 3 though I’m not keen on ‘stomachy visitors’. The first stanza seems too listy and the final one doesn’t seem to follow up on what comes before. Why is the biscuits too much provocation for N? Does it mean that N can’t resist them and will become like the stomachy visitor?

Cheers,

Tristan

TrevorConway wrote:
Sun May 17, 2020 8:08 pm
Have you ever studied the biscuit,
pondered its ubiquity,
its brisk forms and textures,
each a separate species:
the bourbon, rich tea,
the Spanish tan of the ginger nut,
the albino custard cream,
the digestive, fig roll, oat-proud hobnob,
the jammy dodger’s flagrant spirit?

Let’s talk about dipping:
a biscuit welcomes tea like a brother,
warps to its weight,
but soon it droops
as if on the point of sleep.
Only the daring or foolish
keep it submerged beyond a moment.

Cookies came,
with their complications of fruit and chocolate chip,
and so extinction loomed –
the biscuit survived,
it’s humble, obliging nature
cherished by hosts
and stomachy visitors.

Despite this, it may be wise
to keep your cupboard free of them
until such a guest arrives.
I’ve found that the daily presence of the biscuit
is too much
provocation.


Hey all,

This is the most recent poem I've written. Something about it doesn't sit quite right with me. Maybe it's just a lack of overall quality or something, but I'm particularly doubtful about the tone. Just wondering what other people's take on it is. Thanks very much for any time you can give to it.

T

Macavity
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Re: Biscuits

Post by Macavity » Thu May 21, 2020 1:12 pm

Rich subject matter to play with Trevor, which biscuits you share, with whom, and those you keep for yourself or a special occasion may thread the piece together.

best

mac


TrevorConway wrote:
Sun May 17, 2020 8:08 pm
Have you ever studied the biscuit,
pondered its ubiquity,
its brisk forms and textures,..........I don't get that sense of 'quick movement' with a biscuit?
each a separate species:
the bourbon, rich tea,
the Spanish tan of the ginger nut,
the albino custard cream,..........................I do get the paleness connection
the digestive, fig roll, oat-proud hobnob,....like that, reflects its 'hardness'
the jammy dodger’s flagrant spirit?...................again, don't connect flagrant'

Let’s talk about dipping:.................................dunking? :D
a biscuit welcomes tea like a brother,......................brother? auntie?
warps to its weight,
but soon it droops
as if on the point of sleep.................perhaps you could sex-up some of the analogy
Only the daring or foolish
keep it submerged beyond a moment.

Cookies came,
with their complications of fruit and chocolate chip,.......................are they an americanisation?
and so extinction loomed –..................did it?
the biscuit survived,
it’s humble, obliging nature
cherished by hosts
and stomachy visitors.......sounds made-up in an awkward way, 'bulging'?

Despite this, it may be wise
to keep your cupboard free of them
until such a guest arrives.
I’ve found that the daily presence of the biscuit
is too much
provocation....................the default is temptation?


Hey all,

This is the most recent poem I've written. Something about it doesn't sit quite right with me. Maybe it's just a lack of overall quality or something, but I'm particularly doubtful about the tone. Just wondering what other people's take on it is. Thanks very much for any time you can give to it.

T

TrevorConway
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Re: Biscuits

Post by TrevorConway » Thu May 21, 2020 8:29 pm

Hey Tristan,

Thanks a lot for getting stuck into this. I didn't aim for an extended metaphor; it's just seemed natural to refer to survival after mentioning potential extinction. Great to get your feedback on your favourite stanzas. Regarding the biscuit being too much provocation, yes, I just meant that the speaker couldn't resist them. It's the very reason I don't keep any biscuits in my own cupboard for visitors - I'll have them even before the visitors arrive :D Anyway, I'll probably get rid of the whole idea from the poem and replace it with something else.

Thanks again,

T

TrevorConway
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Re: Biscuits

Post by TrevorConway » Thu May 21, 2020 8:30 pm

Hey Mac,

Good to hear from you again. I'll keep all those suggestions in mind when revising. Thanks for your close reading of it.

T

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