What's the Point of Puddles? (v3)

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NotQuiteSure
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What's the Point of Puddles? (v3)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Thu May 21, 2020 10:36 am

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v3
What's the Point of Puddles?


So, how long has it been
do you think, since you've sploshed?
And not some accidental ankling
whilst running for the bus.

But, given it both wellies,
decided to commit,
not side-stepped, with excuses,
around the edge of it.

Maybe you have forgotten how
to measure out your sprint,
or blast-off from a standing start,
or quite how good it felt

to feel yourself begin to fly –
despite that cumulus of doubt
scudding cross your cloudless blue
a fleeting, faint-heart, thought

that, perhaps, this was the one
with all those threats of hidden depths
and you're a Doctor Foster falling
to the antonym of zenith.

But you must remember landing
with a stamping flat-foot slap,
standing, plashingly triumphant,
swashing waters swooshing back.

Proofed against all disapproval
from a wet-tyre traffic hiss
– what is the point of puddles
if it isn't this?




_________________



v2
What's the Point of Puddles?


So, how long has it been,
do you think, since you've sploshed?
And not some accidental ankling
whilst running for the bus.

But, given it both wellies,
decided to commit,
not wavered, with excuses,
around the edge of it?

Maybe you have forgotten
how to measure out your sprint,
or lift-off from a standing start,
or just how good it felt

to feel your sole depart
the earth? You're a child
being born – inexorably rising
– past the point of no return.

And do you recall each apogee
when a cumulus of doubt
would scud across your cloudless sky
a fleeting, faint-heart, thought

that, perhaps, this was the one?
It had the threat of hidden depths
and you're a Doctor Foster falling
toward the antonym of zenith.

But you must remember landing
with a stamping flat-foot slap?
Standing, plashingly triumphant,
swashing waters swooshing back?

Proofed against all disapproval
from the wet-tyre traffic hiss
– what is the point of puddles
if it isn't this?




_________________


What's the Point of Puddles?


So, how long has it been,
do you think, since you sploshed?
And not some accidental ankling
whilst running for the bus.

But given it both wellies,
decided to commit,
not wavered, with excuses,
around the edge of it?

Maybe you have forgotten
how to measure out your sprint,
or lift-off from a standing start,
or just how good it felt

as you felt your soles depart
the earth? You're a child
being born, inexorably rising
past the point of no return.

Do you recall approaching apogee
when a cumulus of doubt
simoon'd across your cloudless joy
a fleeting faint-heart thought

that, perhaps, this was the one?
It had the threat of hidden depths.
That you're a Doctor Foster, falling
towards the antonym of zenith.

But you must remember landing
with a stamping flat-foot slap?
Standing, plashingly triumphant,
sploshing waters splashing back?

Proofed against all disapproval
from the wet-tyre traffic hiss
– what is the point of puddles
if it isn't this?





.
Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Sun May 24, 2020 12:50 pm, edited 13 times in total.

Macavity
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Re: What's the Point of Puddles?

Post by Macavity » Thu May 21, 2020 11:21 am

Title caught my attention Not.
But given it both wellies,
decided to commit,
not wavered, with excuses,
around the edge of it?
Like the fun psychology.

or just how good it felt

as you felt your sole depart
You may want to revisit the repetition of felt


I googled simoon and got a hot, dry, dust-laden wind blowing in the desert, especially in Arabia., which doesn't seem very watery?

best

mac

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Re: What's the Point of Puddles?

Post by NotQuiteSure » Thu May 21, 2020 11:48 am

.
Hi mac,
thanks for the read.
Macavity wrote:
Thu May 21, 2020 11:21 am
Title caught my attention
Must admit, it's my new favourite :)
Macavity wrote:
Thu May 21, 2020 11:21 am
You may want to revisit the repetition of felt
- I rather liked it (oddly) but open to suggestions.
(Would you prefer
or just how good it felt

to feel your sole depart
?)
Macavity wrote:
Thu May 21, 2020 11:21 am
I googled simoon
- Yes, I know, but it's such a lovely word, (and was hoping for a similar effect as breeze-d/blast-ed).


Regards, Not


.

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Re: What's the Point of Puddles?

Post by Macavity » Thu May 21, 2020 12:34 pm

or just how good it felt

to feel your sole depart ?)
Yes, that feels better Not.

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Re: What's the Point of Puddles?

Post by NotQuiteSure » Thu May 21, 2020 12:52 pm

.
Thanks for returning mac,
line duely tweaked
(so too 'splashing' S7/L4).

Regards, Not


PS should simoon prove too problematic, how about
when a cumulus of doubt
would scud across your sky
?
(rather like the missile connection :) )


.

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Re: What's the Point of Puddles?

Post by Firebird » Thu May 21, 2020 8:23 pm

I too like the title. I like the poem too. It has a skip in its step and some nice twists and turns to keep you interested. I agree with Mac about ‘simoon’. I think you need to change it. I think ‘past the point of no return’ is weak. S3 (too wordy and not enough said) and s5 (didn’t like ‘apogee’ or simoon’) are a little weak. I also think s6 could be a little clearer. It twists and turns just a little too much. I loved ‘stamping flat-foot slap’ in s7. Great description. Overall, I think It’s a good one.

Cheers,

Tristan

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Thu May 21, 2020 10:36 am
.
What's the Point of Puddles?


So, how long has it been,
do you think, since you sploshed?
And not some accidental ankling
whilst running for the bus.

But given it both wellies,
decided to commit,
not wavered, with excuses,
around the edge of it?

Maybe you have forgotten
how to measure out your sprint,
or lift-off from a standing start,
or just how good it felt

to feel your sole depart
the earth? You're a child
being born, inexorably rising
past the point of no return.

Do you recall approaching apogee
when a cumulus of doubt
simoon'd across your cloudless joy
a fleeting faint-heart thought

that, perhaps, this was the one?
It had the threat of hidden depths.
That you're a Doctor Foster, falling
toward the antonym of zenith.

But you must remember landing
with a stamping flat-foot slap?
Standing, plashingly triumphant,
swashing waters swooshing back?

Proofed against all disapproval
from the wet-tyre traffic hiss
– what is the point of puddles
if it isn't this?




.

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Re: What's the Point of Puddles?

Post by TrevorConway » Thu May 21, 2020 8:45 pm

Hey Not,

I was pulled in by the great title. Well done on that. Lots to like here. I think the tone works quite well, and these were some of my favourite bits: ankling, Proofed against all disapproval, – what is the point of puddles if it isn't this?

I thought it lost its way a bit in v5 and v6, so I'd suggest deleting them. Other suggestions below.

Nice pun in v4, by the way :D

T

What's the Point of Puddles?


So, how long has it been,
do you think, since you sploshed?
And not some accidental ankling
whilst running for the bus,

but launched both wellies at it,
decided to truly commit,
rather than wavering, with pathetic excuses,
around the edge of it? [There might be a better rhyme. It feels slightly weak]

Maybe you've forgotten
how to measure your sprint,
or lift-off from a standing start,
or just how good it felt [Forgetting how it felt is fair enough, but forgetting how to sprint or jump seem unrealistic. Any better alternatives here? Forgetting how it felt to do specific things like getting wet, disturbing the still image, murking up the water, splashing passers-by?]

to feel your sole depart
the earth? You're a child
born in mid-air, rising
past the point of no return. [Familiar phrase. Could be replaced to freshen it up]

You must remember landing
with a flat-foot slap?
Standing, plashing, triumphant, swashing
as the water licked your back?

Proofed against all disapproval
from traffic's wet-tyre hiss,
what is the point of puddles
if it isn't this?

NotQuiteSure
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Re: What's the Point of Puddles?

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri May 22, 2020 10:46 am

.
Hi Tristan, Trevor
thanks for the read.

Tristan.
I offered mac an alternative to simoon (scud, above) - would that suffice?
And what's you beef with apogee? :) - it continues on from 'lift-off' (I hope).

S4 - 'point of no return' (yes, a familiar phrase) but I was pairing it with 'being born'
(though maybe this didn't come through).

S6 - not sure what you mean here ('twists and turns'?)


Trevor.
Thanks for the suggestions. Much appreciated.

S3 - I was trying for the sort of encouragements one might give a child (the point being
these were things that likely wouldn't be forgotten - though perhaps recalling how to
measure out a run up might be the exception, had the interval been long enough - I
consulted some sites on high jump coaching for this line).

S4 - see reply to Tristan about 'no return'.


Regards, Not



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Re: What's the Point of Puddles?

Post by TrevorConway » Fri May 22, 2020 11:05 am

Ah, I see re s3. How about directly mentioning the encouragement? That would justify it more for me anyway:

Maybe you've forgotten
how you were told to measure your sprint
or leap high from a standing start.../or leap as high as your daddy's shoulders, etc.

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Re: What's the Point of Puddles?

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri May 22, 2020 11:18 am

.
Hi T,
thanks for returning.

It's a 'carpe diem' piece (puddles being a metaphor for ... well, whatever you want :) ) so I don't want to have to spell everything out.
And (depending on where you put the emphasis - I'd suggest have) I thought it would be reasonably clear that (in S3) N doesn't think
that the person addressed would have forgotten these things? There's supposed to be an implicit 'but I don't believe you' underlying
N's question.

Regards, Not



.

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Re: What's the Point of Puddles?

Post by TrevorConway » Fri May 22, 2020 11:28 am

No prob, Not. You're welcome.

Okay, I read it as a pretty straightforward speculation/expectation on the "you" having forgotten it, implying potential sadness at the thought. Reading it, for me, there'd have to be italics for "have" to feel any emphasis on it, but maybe other readers would read it differently. The emphasis would bring the idea closer to your intention, I think, at least for me.

Anyway, good luck with any revisions and submissions. Worth sending this out to publications.

T

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Re: What's the Point of Puddles?

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri May 22, 2020 1:35 pm

.
Hi T.

Dithering over italicising have, it's a stressed syllable (until JJ tells me it isn't :) ) so I'll hold off for a while longer.

Thanks again.

Regards, Not

- revision posted -


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Re: What's the Point of Puddles? (v2)

Post by Macavity » Fri May 22, 2020 1:56 pm

And do you recall each apogee
when a cumulus of doubt
would scud across your cloudless sky
a fleeting, faint-heart, thought
Thumbs up on the sonics Not.

best

mac

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Re: What's the Point of Puddles? (v2)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat May 23, 2020 11:43 am

.
Thanks mac,
much appreciated.


Regards, Not.


- version three -

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Re: What's the Point of Puddles? (v3)

Post by ton321 » Sun May 24, 2020 2:38 am

Hi Not

I like the exuberance of this piece. I think you could drop verses 4 and 5, and it would be much better,
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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Re: What's the Point of Puddles? (v3)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun May 24, 2020 12:00 pm

.
Hi Tony,
thanks for the read.
(I need the 'doubt' in the piece, but will ponder).

Regards, Not



- changed S4 from

Or the stomach drop, at apogee,
as a cumulus of doubt
would scud aross your cloudless sky
a fleeting, faint-heart, thought


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