Motorway Bridge

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ton321
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Motorway Bridge

Post by ton321 » Sun May 24, 2020 1:55 am

Not the bridge you normally notice-
functional and invisible,
as you pass under it on a motorway-
an architectual sleight of hand
of grey concrete and seventies design;

where you might stand in the middle
and look down at the endless zooming traffic,
where you might notice the doppler effect
on a rainy afternoon, and know what it means
in the broader scheme of things.

Just a bridge between two points,
where before it was difficult, now
it is easy, between this life and the next,
the motorway shut off for hours,
the yellow lights flashing in the hard shoulder.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Motorway Bridge

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun May 24, 2020 5:30 pm

.
Hi Tony,
liked the first two stanzas, but didn't find the third that engaging
(the last line of S2 seems to offer a much better ending).
Could do with a little trimming and, if possibly, something better
than 'zooming traffic'? Doppler gives the sound, not sure that
'zooming' offers much. 'notice' then 'know' hit a wrong note, for me.


Not one you normally notice -
functional and invisible,
as you pass beneath/below it -
an architectural sleight of hand
grey concrete and seventies design;

but you might stand in the middle there
and look down at the endless traffic,
you might notice the Doppler effect
on a rainy afternoon, and understand
what it means in the broader scheme of things.


Regards, Not



.

TrevorConway
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Re: Motorway Bridge

Post by TrevorConway » Sun May 24, 2020 8:45 pm

Hi Tony,

Lots of nice elements here, I thought, such as the general tone and the Doppler effect. The third verse was actually my favourite, unlike Not, though I had a similar reaction to Not with "zooming". Something fresher could be used there. Maybe a little trimming would be okay, but nothing serious. The pace/overall length felt about right to me. I think you could get a more imaginative/interesting title eventually, though nothing comes to mind right now.

All the best,

T

ton321
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Re: Motorway Bridge

Post by ton321 » Sun May 31, 2020 12:36 am

Hi Not
Thanks for the suggestions/comments. Been reading Edgelands by Farley and Roberts, which inspired the piece.
T, will work on it soon, agree with your crit,
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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lotus
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Re: Motorway Bridge

Post by lotus » Thu Jul 02, 2020 7:36 pm

an architectual sleight of hand
of grey concrete and seventies design;

where you might notice the doppler effect
on a rainy afternoon, and know what it means
in the broader scheme of things.

greetings Tony

an interesting poem
where
these lines stand out for me

a warm smile
silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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