Title needed

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Firebird
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Title needed

Post by Firebird » Thu May 28, 2020 8:09 pm

When I take
small bites
along its edge,
a thinner,
sweeter,
less tough
carrot
with tiny
nascent shoots
appears
that for forty years
went unnoticed
as I bit
obliviously
chunks
from one end,
thinking it
would help me
to see.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Title needed

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri May 29, 2020 10:50 am

.
Hi Tristan,
a bit rough around the edges (unnoticed then obliviously leap out)
but liked the idea.

Suggestions, including a title


Hindsight.

These days I take
small bites
and a thinner,
sweeter,
carrot
with tiny
nascent shoots
appears

for forty years
I'd been gnawing/chomping
blindly
thinking it
would help me
to see.


Regards, Not


.

TrevorConway
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Re: Title needed

Post by TrevorConway » Fri May 29, 2020 6:28 pm

Hey Tristan,

Intriguing. I like Not's suggestion for the title and other changes. It feels like there's a bit missing in terms of the logic/development of the thought, at least to the point that it is me struggling to fully get it. So I'd suggest another verse in between, giving a bit more to go on in a way that might make the symbolism that little bit clearer. I liked the use of small lines to reflect the small bites, but I suggest using a fuse slightly longer ones as well, just for the rhythm/flow. Suggested changes incorporated below, anyway.

All the best,

T

Hindsight.

These days, I take
small bites
and a thinner, sweeter carrot
with tiny,
nascent shoots
appears.

[A NEW VERSE HERE]

For forty years,
I'd been gnawing blindly,
thinking it
would somehow help me
to see.

Macavity
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Re: Title needed

Post by Macavity » Sat May 30, 2020 4:16 pm

hi Tristan

I enjoyed the combination of elements In this Tristan: consumption/discovery/knowledge. Learning later in life, unintentionally, getting to the sweet core. Nice to have the carrot as the root of knowledge :D

cheers

mac

Firebird wrote:
Thu May 28, 2020 8:09 pm
When I take
small bites
along its edge,
a thinner,
sweeter,
less tough
carrot
with tiny
nascent shoots
appears
that for forty years
went unnoticed
as I bit
obliviously
chunks
from one end,
thinking it
would help me
to see.

User avatar
Firebird
Moderator
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Posts: 2291
Joined: Tue May 21, 2013 9:46 pm

Re: Title needed

Post by Firebird » Sat May 30, 2020 7:51 pm

Hi Not,

I like your slimmed down version, and will definitely use elements of it in my rewrite. I might use your title suggestion too. I’ll have a think. Many thanks as always.

Hi Trev,

I’m not sure about the longer lines in this instance, but I do know what you mean about the rhythm. I’m happy though with just the two stanzas though. Many thanks for taking the time to read and respond.

Hi Mac,

Yes, the consumption/discovery/knowledge was it. Glad you picked up on those elements. Wasn’t really sure they were coming through. I was also trying to play with the pleasures/idea of the inner and outer worlds.

Many thanks for commenting.

Cheers,

Tristan

capricorn
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Re: Title needed

Post by capricorn » Wed Jun 03, 2020 11:06 pm

Hi Tristan,

Interesting! I cannot think of any more than Not's suggestions. I like the title suggestion and particularly the smoothness of the second stanza. I feel the original ending was a bit rough - didn't like 'chunks'.

original thinking

Eira

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