Just make sure

User avatar
camus
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 5046
Joined: Tue Jul 13, 2004 12:51 am
antispam: no
Location: Grimbia
Contact:

Re: Just make sure

Post by camus » Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:32 pm

Yeh, really like the humour and flow to this.

On niggle, of course:

If the Narrator isn't you, which you'd surely be hard pushed to deny, then did you really "run over next door's cat." ? If so fair enough. If not I don't like it much, too common an error I think.

Other than that, really enjoyed this anti-lament.

cheers
Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk

User avatar
barrie
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6069
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2005 1:13 am
Location: lake district

Re: Just make sure

Post by barrie » Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:53 pm

Thanks Lake - I always wonder who the tears are really for - the dead or the living.

Thanks Kris - I guess you're right about the cat. Jac got me thinking about it with her comment, so you're both right. I'll lose the cat bit.

cheers

Barrie

It was next door's dog really.
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

dedalus
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1933
Joined: Sat Sep 02, 2006 3:51 am
Location: Ireland/Japan

Re: Just make sure

Post by dedalus » Sat Aug 16, 2008 1:47 pm

No probs, man, just like you say!
Umm ... when's this going to be, any idea of the date?

Bren 8)

User avatar
barrie
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6069
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2005 1:13 am
Location: lake district

Re: Just make sure

Post by barrie » Sat Aug 16, 2008 3:05 pm

dedalus wrote:when's this going to be, any idea of the date?
- 8th February 2015. Don't ask me what time.
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

dedalus
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1933
Joined: Sat Sep 02, 2006 3:51 am
Location: Ireland/Japan

Re: Just make sure

Post by dedalus » Sat Aug 16, 2008 4:43 pm

- 8th February 2015
Calendar cleared. Black tie on order. That's if I don't keel over before you. Bets??

D.

thoke
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 995
Joined: Tue May 16, 2006 10:33 pm
antispam: no
Location: Nottingham

Re: Just make sure

Post by thoke » Sat Aug 16, 2008 10:43 pm

This is great! A bullshit-free funeral.

I think the flow is disrupted at the end by "that there's", which I think should be "there is".

I don't think I'd change anything else, though. Strange that cutting through the crap like that can sound so endearing. Makes you sound like a right modest chap. I can see friends and family reading it out and welling up.

Ben

User avatar
barrie
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6069
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2005 1:13 am
Location: lake district

Re: Just make sure

Post by barrie » Sun Aug 17, 2008 10:02 am

dedalus wrote:Black tie on order.
- No black allowed - wear a green T-shirt.

Thanks Ben - You may be right, but I thinks it's a matter of taste here. I always speak using contractions and I usually write that way too.

...and when they feed me to the ground,
make sure that there's no scratching sound.
- I tried to finish off in iambic tetrameter (I've just looked that up!), so either will fit.

cheers

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

User avatar
marten
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1019
Joined: Wed Nov 22, 2006 7:00 am
antispam: no
Location: Seattle

Re: Just make sure

Post by marten » Mon Aug 18, 2008 11:05 pm

This is probably a not needed reply, saying that I thoroughly enjoyed this one. I wasn't expecting the humor, as it flowed out naturally at the ending. Nothing more to say than that. Super!
Well you know you can't spend what you ain't got,
you can't lose some blues you ain't never had
-Muddy Waters

User avatar
barrie
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6069
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2005 1:13 am
Location: lake district

Re: Just make sure

Post by barrie » Tue Aug 19, 2008 8:40 am

Thanks Marten - much appreciated.

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

Oskar
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1692
Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2007 3:40 pm

Re: Just make sure

Post by Oskar » Sat Jan 10, 2009 3:26 pm

BUMP.
"This is going to be a damn masterpiece, when I finish dis..." - Poeterry

BenJohnson
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1701
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2008 10:32 am
antispam: no
Location: New Forest, UK
Contact:

Re: Just make sure

Post by BenJohnson » Sat Jan 10, 2009 6:22 pm

Thanks for the bump Oskar, this has made a difference to the way I view this, green T-shirt on order in honour of a wonderful man, may he be remembered as he wants.

Sharra
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1605
Joined: Mon May 26, 2008 6:59 am
antispam: no
Location: Whitstabubble
Contact:

Re: Just make sure

Post by Sharra » Sun Jan 11, 2009 9:24 am

It was good (?) to read this again, as Ben said, it has a whole new perspective now.
It also made me think about the discussion on the other board about whether we share our writing with our family. I thought what a tragedy it would have been if Barrie's family hadn't read his poems and they had just been buried with him. Maybe a lesson to us all?
Sharra
x
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits

Post Reply