Hollow Ian, Heresie & Foule Blasphemies

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barrie
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Hollow Ian, Heresie & Foule Blasphemies

Post by barrie » Thu Oct 30, 2008 8:47 pm

Version 2:

All Hollow Ian will soon be here,
the night grey spectrums flit about,
when spiritums moan groanly shout
to fill all shitless souls with fear.

Is that the sound of bones I hear
which clayscrape deeply in the grave?
I pray the cross my neck to save,
old turniphead is breathing near.

I'll go to church and give a pound,
just list unto me once ye god,
I may be just a sinsoiled sod,
but you must show to me you're sound.

You've conned mankind with devil's tricks,
and smote all nations from your sky.
You pissed me off yet wonder why
I think almighty gods are pricks.

---------------------------------------

Sloppy version


All Hollow Ian will soon be here,
the night all spectrums flit about,
when spiritums all groanly shout
to fill all shitless souls with fear.

Is that the sound of bones I hear
that clayscrape deeply in the grave?
I pray the cross my neck to save,
old turniphead is breathing near.

I'll go to church and give a pound,
just list unto me once ye god,
I may be just a sinsoiled sod,
but you must show to me you're sound.

You've conned mankind with devil's tricks,
and smote all nations from your sky.
You've pissed me off then wonder why
I think almighty gods are pricks.
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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Danté
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Re: Hollow Ian, Heresie & Foule Blasphemies

Post by Danté » Thu Oct 30, 2008 9:03 pm

Barrie,

You have been reading my mind, fancy that the same length, the same form, well I never did.
I think you might just get away with the first line, at a pinch. I´m being lenient :wink:
The subject is enjoyable and has some nicely manipulated wording.

I know I was not going to post today, but thought what the hell.

you do have rhyme, so perhaps it is possible to overlook that first line.

Thanks

Tim
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch

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Re: Hollow Ian, Heresie & Foule Blasphemies

Post by oranggunung » Thu Oct 30, 2008 9:07 pm

Barrie

Playful and irreverent; you must have enjoyed writing this.

Is Ian a local form of eve? It sounds too close to be coincidence.


to fill all shitless souls with fear.


Have there been too many ‘all’s?

Would

to fill faint, shitless souls with fear.

work?


Is that the sound of bones I hear
that clayscrape deeply in the grave?


Beautiful, if gruesome, imagery. Is that another neologism? Are the two ‘that’s too much? Could “that clayscrape” be replaced with “clayscraping”? Why all the questions?


You've pissed me off then wonder why

When reading this, I can’t help feeling the tense is wrong. It follows from the previous line, but doesn’t seem to fit the last.


You piss me off then wonder why

Was what I wanted to see.


Now I’ve pissed you off. Ho hum.

Clever, timely amusement.


Much enjoyed

og

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Re: Hollow Ian, Heresie & Foule Blasphemies

Post by barrie » Thu Oct 30, 2008 11:13 pm

Thanks Tim - What's up with the first line?

Thanks og - Write in haste, repair at leisure - I've gone through it and mended it - A bit sloppy, eh?
oranggunung wrote:Is Ian a local form of eve? It sounds too close to be coincidence.
- No, just me messing with words - Hollow Ian - Hallowe'en.

Thanks for the corrections, I think it's OK now.

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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Re: Hollow Ian, Heresie & Foule Blasphemies

Post by emuse » Fri Oct 31, 2008 12:22 am

A shitless soul eh? I'll remember that the next time I'm a ghost. We'll some things are more fun when you're dead--no more need to feed a body.

The sonics in this are top notch. You had me smiling all the way. Good job B. Whose Turniphead heh heh?

cheers,

e

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Re: Hollow Ian, Heresie & Foule Blasphemies

Post by Elphin » Fri Oct 31, 2008 8:59 am

barrie

Its what you are very very good at - the sonics, the rhyme, the playfullness with words.

Grade A - its made my morning.

elph

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Re: Hollow Ian, Heresie & Foule Blasphemies

Post by Sulpicia » Fri Oct 31, 2008 2:30 pm

Barrie
Enjoyed this a lot. Though a bit sad that Hollow Ian didn't get more fleshing out, as it were. He sounds like a colourful character.
Two bits I'd fiddle with:
'moan groanly' in the revised version seemed a bit heavy-handed compared to the rest - though I did like groanly, and I'm not really convinced by spiritums, either. A diminutive? How about 'spirit leavings groanly shout'? You've ended up getting rid of both alls, so you could keep one.
S3 isn't ye normally plural? thou god?
'Show to me' also seems a bit awkward: 'show me that you're sound'? More natural but putting too much emphasis on that?
Really got me thinking! Nice read.
Helen

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Re: Hollow Ian, Heresie & Foule Blasphemies

Post by David » Fri Oct 31, 2008 5:54 pm

It's full of halloween goodness, but I wonder whether you can say to fill all shitless souls with fear. The state of shitlessness presupposes fear as an already existing condition, so they're already filled with it, therefore I think you are guilty of what might be called a tautological inexactitude.

I can't believe I'm quibbling about the correct use of the word shitless.

Cheers

David

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Re: Hollow Ian, Heresie & Foule Blasphemies

Post by Oskar » Fri Oct 31, 2008 10:13 pm

Barrie

You're in a rich vein of form at the moment. This is excellent. I really like the way you have slanted the vocabulary and used crude vernacular to produce something that reads like it's come up from the soil itself. It's imbued with the raddled and superstitious voice of peasant folklore. Some of the nasties that I imagined lived under my bed when I was a child are here in your poem.

old turniphead is breathing near is bloody terrifying!

You finish off by shaking your fist at religion and the worship of gods. That's what I've come to expect from an irredeemable heretic like yourself. I do think, however, that your poem could have been just as good if you'd confined yourself to scaring us shitless, without having a mandatory 'go' at our laissez-faire friend in the sky.

Outstanding, all the same.
"This is going to be a damn masterpiece, when I finish dis..." - Poeterry

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Re: Hollow Ian, Heresie & Foule Blasphemies

Post by barrie » Sat Nov 01, 2008 12:41 pm

Thanks e - Who's Turniphead? When I was a kid we all used to hollow out turnips (or potatoes) for our Hallowe'en head. I never saw a pumpkin until we got a television - never saw a real one till I was in my late teens.

ps - shitless souls are still alive - like lonely souls, except that they're terrified.

Thanks a lot, Elph.

Thanks Helen - Most rules of language go out the window when I write stuff like this. (viewtopic.php?f=3&t=4267) I use wrong words, make words up - just have play really. 'Spiritums' went with 'spectrums' (spectres) and I liked the sounds in 'moan groanly'.
Sulpicia wrote:a bit sad that Hollow Ian didn't get more fleshing out
- He's already fleshed out: Hollow Ian - hollowian - hallowe'en, again, just messing with words. Maybe old Turniphead could go by the name of Hollow Ian.

Thanks David - You're talking about just being scared shitless - a well known phrase. Someone who is 'shitless', is a person who is easily scared - at least that's how I've always used it.
But no matter, it's full of nonsense anyway.
David wrote:therefore I think you are guilty of what might be called a tautological inexactitude.
- But, your honour, I ain't never fallen off a tightrope!

Thanks Oskar - I have been reading some weird and wonderful stuff of late - especially the Teutonic myths and the folklore of European Jews - I guess things rub off.
I have to mention our friend in the sky. Can't risk him feeling left out (they say he's a jealous god, you know) - I wouldn't want to incur his broth.

Cheers all

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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Re: Hollow Ian, Heresie & Foule Blasphemies

Post by emuse » Sat Nov 01, 2008 5:32 pm

Hey Barry I like your new do. It saves on the haircuts eh?

Cheers,

e

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Re: Hollow Ian, Heresie & Foule Blasphemies

Post by barrie » Sat Nov 01, 2008 5:34 pm

Do you like it - I had it done for Hollow Ian.
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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Re: Hollow Ian, Heresie & Foule Blasphemies

Post by Ryder » Sun Nov 02, 2008 12:39 pm

Some good onionisms in this: Groanly/ Clayscrape/ Sinsoiled.

I did enjoy the first two verses more than the second two though, and ' but you must show to me your sound' didn't work for me at all.

Anyroad, bonfire night next. Got your bommy-wood?

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Re: Hollow Ian, Heresie & Foule Blasphemies

Post by barrie » Sun Nov 02, 2008 2:57 pm

Thaks Dave
Ryder wrote:' but you must show to me your sound' didn't work for me at all.
- Did you read it as 'your sound' or 'you are sound'? - I wrote 'you're sound'.
Ryder wrote:Got your bommy-wood?
- Ya, went eht raidin' last neet - wigorra load!

cheers

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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Re: Hollow Ian, Heresie & Foule Blasphemies

Post by Ryder » Sun Nov 02, 2008 9:21 pm

'Did you read it as 'your sound' or 'you are sound'? - I wrote 'you're sound'.'

you're. my mistake not copying pasting. and being a bit groggy.


mi mams makin' sum parkin.

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Re: Hollow Ian, Heresie & Foule Blasphemies

Post by twoleftfeet » Wed Nov 12, 2008 5:48 pm

Nice one, Barrie, although David does have a point wrt:
to fill all shitless souls with fear.

Perhaps
to top up shitless souls with fear ? Just a suggestion..

Lazarus
(Next year I'm getting the f***ing 'flu jab)

btw: Hollow Ian has his own theme tune - it's Gorey Owen

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Re: Hollow Ian, Heresie & Foule Blasphemies

Post by barrie » Thu Nov 13, 2008 10:37 am

Thanks Geoff - Welcome back. Did you get the grapes? (or was it just flu?)

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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