Nirvana Arms .....with an extra verse

TDF
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 607
Joined: Fri Feb 29, 2008 3:25 pm
Location: Londinium

Re: Nirvana Arms .....with an extra verse

Post by TDF » Fri Oct 10, 2008 6:51 pm

Vampire with a northern accent would be funny.

As to regular, of course it makes it gramaticaly wrong, that's th point. Lovely jubbly, bish bash bosh, oi oi fella etc.

Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words

oranggunung
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1393
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:15 pm
Location: Dublin, Ireland

Re: Nirvana Arms .....with an extra verse

Post by oranggunung » Sun Oct 12, 2008 11:09 am

Barrie.

Please forgive my first contribution for eons being one on punctuation. I think the subject matter is beautifully dealt with here and appreciated the links to temples. I wondered if the flow might be altered (I dare not use the word ‘improved’). The first stanza appears to be two clauses. I’m not sure how best to separate them, but feel a fuller stop than a comma is due after ‘landlord’. That would make the second half of the stanza a single clause and negate the comma after ‘sage’.

I like the lone line after S1, but don’t think it should end on a full stop. It introduces the list of S2, so my feeling is that it should lead more easily into that stanza.

Finally, when you get to the end, there is no full stop. Presumably this is a typo rather than a device.

The new stanza wrong-footed me. The use of night and its associated imagery with sin and evil doesn’t feel in keeping with the rest of the piece. By staying the ‘extra round’ would you not be keeping away from the night, rather than becoming part of it?

This is a very corny alternative …

Each evening's end
a bell would sound, yet I
might spend
another round
in Nirvana’s
charming arms.

… but goes some way to suggesting an attraction to, or acceptance by the establishment. I would have anticipated some fondness for the pub at the end. The current ending feels like it’s painting the whole episode rather blackly.

That’s more like a tanner than a twopenneth’s worth, but what can you expect in these times of economic uncertainty


og

User avatar
barrie
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6069
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2005 1:13 am
Location: lake district

Re: Nirvana Arms .....with an extra verse

Post by barrie » Sun Oct 12, 2008 12:06 pm

TDF wrote:Vampire with a northern accent would be funny.
- Ey thee! -what dost think thet doin' wi't bloody crucifix.


Welcome back Og - Where've you been?

First verse punctuation:

When I was sixteen
I found a pub with
a wise landlord,
a cynical sage,
who knew that profit
is blind to age.


I would argue here that that a cynical sage & who knew that profit is blind to age are adjective phrases describing the landlord. I suppose you could make two sentences here but I prefer to keep the verse as one.

I see your point about the line on its own - I did play about with the punctuation here but decided to make it a statement rather than an introduction to the next verse.

I'm still not sure about the effectiveness of the last verse - opinions are split about this. I'll probably end up ditching it - along with the phantom full stop that I forgot. (thanks).

When are you going to start writing again? (or posting what you've written)

cheers

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

User avatar
Moist Von Lipwig
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Oct 22, 2008 3:35 am
Location: Brisbane QLD Australia
Contact:

Re: Nirvana Arms .....with an extra verse

Post by Moist Von Lipwig » Wed Oct 22, 2008 1:15 pm

This is a wonderful understated poem that to me feels weary rather than cynical, everything is stated with a weary acceptance. The poem itself is tight not a wasted word that I can find. The only trouble I have is with the last stanza and it is only a very veyr minor thing but I think you could play around with the linebreaks on this I will have a quick go at it myself but take or throw whatever you want.


Each evening's end
a bell would sound, yet
I might spend another round
with the night, becoming
one.

All the best Jeremy
"What did the condemned say to the blessed when they met on the path? Oh you take the low road and I'll take the high, for a laugh" - Glenn Richards

User avatar
barrie
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6069
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2005 1:13 am
Location: lake district

Re: Nirvana Arms .....with an extra verse

Post by barrie » Wed Oct 22, 2008 1:50 pm

Thanks L (I guess we have the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork to thank for your presence.)

Yes, the last verse has been a bit troublesome, I think it'll end up being scrapped.

cheers

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

User avatar
Moist Von Lipwig
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Oct 22, 2008 3:35 am
Location: Brisbane QLD Australia
Contact:

Re: Nirvana Arms .....with an extra verse

Post by Moist Von Lipwig » Wed Oct 22, 2008 1:58 pm

:lol: dont know where I would be without Terry Pratchet. As to your poem I don't know scrapping the last stanza might be a bit drastic it seems to me like there is some good poetry there. What is your last stanza about exactly? My interpretation was that it was about you fitting into this lifestyle but I dont know it's been quite a while since I have actively critiqued poems and been on any poetry forums.

Jeremy
"What did the condemned say to the blessed when they met on the path? Oh you take the low road and I'll take the high, for a laugh" - Glenn Richards

User avatar
barrie
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6069
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2005 1:13 am
Location: lake district

Re: Nirvana Arms .....with an extra verse

Post by barrie » Wed Oct 22, 2008 2:12 pm

Moist Von Lipwig wrote:What is your last stanza about exactly?
- It's just a tongue-in-cheek analogy, you know, the ringing of the Zen temple bell and the meditation (becoming one with whatever).
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

Suzanne
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 4898
Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:46 pm
antispam: no
Location: Land of the Midnight Sun

Re: Nirvana Arms .....with an extra verse

Post by Suzanne » Thu Oct 23, 2008 3:46 pm

I just loved this.
the story was stated unashamedly and factual. Just a slice out of this person's life.

It has been a pleasure to watch the banter about edits and details.
I am such a novice to the art of poetry that comments are difficult to come up with.

.. but I know that I will remember the image of this peom for a long time, like I witnessed it first hand.

thanks,
Suzanne

User avatar
barrie
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6069
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2005 1:13 am
Location: lake district

Re: Nirvana Arms .....with an extra verse

Post by barrie » Thu Oct 23, 2008 3:49 pm

Thanks for the reply Suzanne, glad you enjoyed it.

cheers

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

Post Reply