Stone (slight change)

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barrie
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Stone (slight change)

Post by barrie » Wed Oct 01, 2008 8:37 am

I watched the walls go up,
slowly
stone on stone.

You carried on,
blind to builders,
unconscious to construction.

Now, you can't get out
to do what you once did so freely,
so unrestrained.

I can't get in
to sit by your fire, pull up a chair
and talk.

We now just shout,
or pass messages
through locked gates.

.....................................


Original last line remove - to be read whenever
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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Re: Stone

Post by jms » Wed Oct 01, 2008 11:01 am

Barrie,

This struck very close to home. I think you've caught something here very well, in quite an understated manner.

That said, it felt to me like there was some redundancy here.
'blind to builders / unconscious to construction' both said the same thing to me. Similarly, 'so freely / so unrestrained'. I would go so far as to suggest chopping the second lines there ('unconscious to construction' / 'so unrestrained') altogether, I don't think you need them. Perhaps make them part of other sentences with a few joining words, so the individual bits don't feel too abrupt.

I'm tooing and froing with the last line as well, I can't work out whether I like it or not. As an ending, it doesn't feel as strong as the very good five lines preceeding it.

Cheers,

Jon

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barrie
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Re: Stone

Post by barrie » Wed Oct 01, 2008 12:06 pm

Thanks Jon
jms wrote:That said, it felt to me like there was some redundancy here.
'blind to builders / unconscious to construction' both said the same thing to me. Similarly, 'so freely / so unrestrained'. I would go so far as to suggest chopping the second lines there ('unconscious to construction' / 'so unrestrained') altogether
blind to builders,
unconscious to construction.
I used this to emphasize the increasing slide into self and the resulting apathy, as well as for alliterative effect.

to do what you once did so freely,
so unrestrained.
Again, it's for emphasis. This time in the comparison of the once unfettered energy to a now almost silent lethargy.


The last line - to be read whenever is meant to illustrate the 'couldn't give a damn' attitude of a broken down relationship.

I hope all that makes sense.

cheers

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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Re: Stone

Post by dedalus » Wed Oct 01, 2008 3:53 pm

Barrie

A lot of the stuff you do (like this one) is subtly slowly good, no jam in your face. It's a pulse thing. You have a finger on everyday life in the 21st century UK. You cut to the bone (yes, I read the butcher poem)!

Every now and then, reading your stuff, my fingers start to twitch. I want to change a word here and there, change the phrasing, move something around, in fact, rewrite your poem!

Well, that's out of order. I know that. Most others, I wouldn't even bother.

Brendan

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Re: Stone

Post by Danté » Wed Oct 01, 2008 4:00 pm

Barrie,

As usual, well honed.

Almost as subtle as pure depression, I think you caught your subject well.
I won't offer any ammendments as you seem to have all the bases covered, besides it would only be sujective, as it does what it does, as it is.

enjoyed,

many thanks

Tim
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch

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Re: Stone

Post by Lake » Wed Oct 01, 2008 4:34 pm

Barrie,

This broken relationship is painfully felt - a cold war is built by a stone wall.

I can't get in
to sit by your fire, pull up a chair
and talk.


I find this verse longing and poignant.

Lake

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Re: Stone

Post by Elphin » Wed Oct 01, 2008 7:15 pm

Barrie

I like the slow build up in this but you know what I liked most, a small thing, the half rhyme stone/on so I hope thats not another accent mismatch!.

Until the end line, I did think this was about dementia so if you wanted an ambiguity you could delete the last line.

I think I am with jon on the exra lines but I can see why you have them. You could achieve the slow slide effect by running each stanza into the next. Without changing your words its easier to show than explain what I am getting at.

I watched the walls go up,
slowly; (or is it a comma or maybe a full stop?)
stone on stone

you carried on,
blind to builders,
unconscious to construction, so

now, you can't get out
to do what you once did
so freely, and

I can't get in
to sit by your fire, pull up a chair
and talk.

We now just shout,
or pass messages through locked gates
to be read whenever.

This is a poem that grows on me with every read - I think its the sparsity of it.

Elph

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Re: Stone

Post by barrie » Thu Oct 02, 2008 7:54 pm

Thanks Brendan - It'd be interesting to know which words and phrases your fingers would twitch upon.

Thanks Tim - 'Almost as subtle as pure depression' (Most people say that I'm about as subtle as a blitzkrieg) - Glad it worked.
Lake wrote:This broken relationship is painfully felt
- I'm glad to say that it's completely fictional, an attempt at empathy - so, thanks for that.
Elphin wrote:I like the slow build up in this but you know what I liked most, a small thing, the half rhyme stone/on so I hope thats not another accent mismatch!
- I'm afraid I never even saw it. I was going for consonance here not assonance. I say 'on', you say 'ohn' rhyming with 'stone'. Still, it turned out OK.
I've tried different versions of your suggestion about running the verses into each other but I'm not convinced it works. Maybe there'll be other opinions on this point.

Thanks everyone

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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Re: Stone

Post by Lake » Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:24 pm

barrie wrote: I'm glad to say that it's completely fictional, an attempt at empathy
I'm glad you said this.

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Re: Stone

Post by twoleftfeet » Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:33 pm

I also thought this was about some kind of wasting illness or dementia, but couldn't see the relevance of the last
line in that context so I plumped for a failing relationship, but with some misgivings because despite the poignancy
the message passing has comic yet pathetic overtones - it reminded me of the episode in STEPTOE&SON where they partition the house :) : Now THAT was a failed relationship!

Nice one
Geoff

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Re: Stone

Post by barrie » Thu Oct 02, 2008 9:32 pm

Thanks Lake
twoleftfeet wrote:I also thought this was about some kind of wasting illness or dementia, but couldn't see the relevance of the last
line in that context so I plumped for a failing relationship, but with some misgivings because despite the poignancy
the message passing has comic yet pathetic overtones
- trust you to see a funny side to it.

cheers both

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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Re: Stone

Post by Ladyhawk » Mon Oct 06, 2008 8:16 pm

I love the title and the form it's great.

What a raw poem, cold and isolating! A great metaphore there. Very well structured. Can't say much else really.

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Re: Stone

Post by stuartryder » Mon Oct 06, 2008 10:40 pm

Barrie, does this need its last line? Check that. Of course, you'll have to restructure that bit to meet the 3 lien stanza standard.

Otherwise cool.

Cheers

Stuart

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Re: Stone

Post by TDF » Tue Oct 07, 2008 4:14 pm

Nice one barrie, for want of a better expression.

I've just been watching a documentary on the post-war/cold war period, so read this far too literally to begin with... I thought "Does barrie have a german wife I wonder?" Then put thoughts of Berlin aside to actually see what was going on.

Nothing to add to other replies, except for another kudos.

Tom
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barrie
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Re: Stone

Post by barrie » Wed Oct 08, 2008 9:11 pm

Thanks for the replies Tom and LH.

Stu, your not the only one to question that last line so I think I'm going to scrub it - it seems more and more out of place each time I read it.

Thanks all

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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Re: Stone (slight change)

Post by Lake » Thu Oct 09, 2008 12:48 am

Barrie,

The more I read the "stone wall" and "massage through locked gates" the more I think of the situation at present, the "firewall", the "returned email". Sad.

Lake

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Re: Stone (slight change)

Post by David » Thu Oct 09, 2008 9:17 am

You know, I thought I'd commented on this. I hadn't, so it's a bit late now, but I think you've improved it - good as it was - by removing that last line.

Cheers

David

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Re: Stone (slight change)

Post by barrie » Thu Oct 09, 2008 10:39 am

Thanks David

Lake - I never thought about all the possible meanings that this could have - Firewall and e-mails - that's a good one. I like Tom's idea about the Berlin Wall and a German wife, I might be piling on years, but I wasn't anywhere near marrying age when that went up.

Cheers

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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