Titas

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barrie
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Titas

Post by barrie » Mon Sep 22, 2008 7:06 pm

When you die,
first we'll have you cremated,
toasted, oven-roasted,
in your own fat -
take you back with us
by bus.
Splash out on a ticket for your ashes
from petty cash,
or the stash you hid
inside your broken radio.
We'll buy no wreaths, carnations,
no roses
white nor red,
just flour to knead your ashes
into dough to bake some bread.

Then we'll walk beside the river,
to the inlet by the weir,
break the bread like eucharist
for the communion
of gathered mallards.
Whoever wishes
can say a word or two
as you feel the peristalsis
experience the simile,
feel the squeeze before
the ease of freedom...

...now you'll finally know
the tightness
of a duck's arse.

----------------

An almost complete rewrite of Anus Substrictus - viewtopic.php?f=3&t=5487&p=37316&hilit= ... tus#p37316
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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Re: Titas

Post by Danté » Mon Sep 22, 2008 9:19 pm

Barrie

I have read the other version and find this one far livelier. Th rhyme really works well in S1, to the extent S2 required a little pondering in a positive way, having less obvious rhyme. Lots to enjoy here, very visual, funny and enjoyable. I can't offer any crit as you have got this pretty well polished, and beyond that, my thoughts if I had any would be subjective. I must be one poem ahead, as I said your last one was water-tight. I will wait with quiet anticipation to see if your next one has any reference to mr sheen.

Made me smile

Tim
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch

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Re: Titas

Post by emuse » Tue Sep 23, 2008 12:57 am

Wow what an outrageous idea! Did you have someone in particular in mind (you don't need to answer that). I couldn't help thinking of Titus and how cleverly you changed the much too obvious prior title to the more subtle and humorous latter. I have no nits. At first I questionned "experience the simile" but decided it really was working well in the poem and so, ergo, bravo!

e

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Re: Titas

Post by jms » Tue Sep 23, 2008 9:05 am

Boom boom! Lots of fun. My only doubts regarded 'as you feel the peristalsis' and 'experience the simile'. The former because it's a very unfamiliar word - in a poem this light, do you want most of your readership pausing to consult Chambers before reading on? I wasn't sure also what you meant by 'experience the simile', unless it's linked back to the 'word or two' said somehow? They're stumbling blocks, to me, we could do without in the run-in to the punch line.

Cheers,

Jon

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Re: Titas

Post by juliadebeauvoir » Tue Sep 23, 2008 3:37 pm

When you die,
we'll have you cremated,
toasted, over-roasted,
in your own fat -


I concur that I have virtually no nits. I did want to read this as 'toasted, OVEN-roasted'. Probably the only part I stopped and re-read again. Thought it was witty and sharp all the way to the end.
or the stash you hid
inside your broken radio.
I see your man (or woman) is a cheapskate Silas Marner. Nice little profile on maybe not so nice a person.
Imaginative way to bury the dead. Reminds me of when a celeb in the media boasted that he smoked someone's ashes. I can't remember who that was. But a duck's arse? Much better.

Cheers,
Kim
"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you."

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Re: Titas

Post by Sulpicia » Tue Sep 23, 2008 5:24 pm

This one made me smile, too. I liked peristalsis and simile (but perhaps idiom is a bit more accurate?). My only nit was that the rhythm seemed to change at

break the bread like eucharist
for the communion
of gathered mallards.

But maybe that's deliberate.
I was also thinking of Peking Crispy Duck at one point, but that proved to be a dead end. Must go get some supper.
Helen

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Re: Titas

Post by Elphin » Tue Sep 23, 2008 7:06 pm

Barrie

You have moved this up a notch or two from the original and it was a good un then. Yes - really good rhythm, rhyme, conceit. Its the whole package.

i'll leave a couple of thoughts. Im with the others on peristalsis - this isnt a clever/clever poem in that way so I would ditch that line. Second reason is I really like the line experience the simile. Ok you need to get to the end and then go back to it to appreciate the line fully but thats a good thing.

Second thought - unless Titas has some relevance Im not aware of other than the play on words, again its too knowing. Having read the thread in the original why dont you call it by the guys name. Its so Dickensian I think any reader would immediately make a Scrooge connection and the whole poem will work.

Marvellous

elph

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Re: Titas

Post by David » Tue Sep 23, 2008 7:34 pm

I'm with Kim on oven-roasted - I think that would sound great. However, I'd like to cast a vote for peristalsis - it's one of those words that ought to sound recondite and obscure (like recondite) but, thanks to O-level Biology, doesn't. Not to me, anyway.

Titas also sounds okay to me. I was expecting something Greekly mythological, and the realisation of the phonetics cracked me up. (That wasn't supposed to be a pun, but seems to be one. Help me Geoff!)

Does this mean bugger not buy his round or something?

Cheers

David

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Re: Titas

Post by twoleftfeet » Wed Sep 24, 2008 10:30 am

Here's another vote for "oven-roasted" , and another one for retaining "peristalsis" and "experience the simile".

I think this re-write is a definite improvement.
My only suggestion are:
1)
Add a "first" ("we'll first have you cremated") to S1 , since S2 begins with "Then".
It's not entirely necessary, but it establishes straight away that your plan goes beyond a simple cremation.

2)
Also, I would be tempted to end on
as you feel the peristalsis
experience the simile,
feel the squeeze before
the ease of freedom

- at the risk of confusing some readers . I feel sure Mel Gibson would agree. :)

Geoff

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Re: Titas

Post by barrie » Thu Sep 25, 2008 11:48 am

Thanks everyone for replying.

There seems to be a split response on 'peristalsis'. David's bang on with 'O' level biology, that's where I first came across it - the digestive system.
jms wrote:do you want most of your readership pausing to consult Chambers before reading on?
- I never thought of 'peristalsis' as a 'clever' word. I'm not sure that it's a good idea to make judgements on people's levels of vocabulary when writing a poem - I don't know about anyone else but I'm always coming across words that are new to me, if I have to use a dictionary then I do - how else do we learn? Besides, no-one has come up with another word to descibe the the muscular waves that travel along the intestine pushing undigested matter towards the exit, and that's what I wanted to convey. A build up to the big squeeze.

Jon (and Elph, re: Titas) - 'experience the simile' - the clue is in the title and the ending. 'Tight as (titas) a duck's arse'.

I'll go for 'oven-roated, Kim - I never saw that, good idea.

Helen - You're right about 'idiom' rather than 'simile', but 'idiom' has no 'L's' in it ( 'peristalsis - simile) - there are a few 'S's' in those two lines as well.

Elph mentions Dickensian. It's based on a 'Dickensian' type of character who I once worked for when I lived in darkest Bradford. A bloke called Uriah Jagger, he made Scrooge look like a philanthropist.

Geoff - Yes, 'first' - good idea. Are you saying lose the last three lines? I Don't know about that - what about leaving 'arse' off the end (if that's possible without a colostomy)?

...now you'll finally know
the tightness.
of a duck's.
- Maybe even end on 'the tightness'.

Thanks everyone

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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Re: Titas

Post by Elphin » Thu Sep 25, 2008 12:59 pm

barrie

I got the titas/tight ass play. I thought experience the simile was a great line and like the last three lines too but wondered if Titas as a title was a bit too "clever", a step too far. My suggestion was maybe to call it Uriah Jagger and elt the reader make the Dickensian connections.

Maybe even Titus would be better than Titas IMHO, of course.

elph

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Re: Titas

Post by jms » Thu Sep 25, 2008 2:15 pm

I never thought of 'peristalsis' as a 'clever' word. I'm not sure that it's a good idea to make judgements on people's levels of vocabulary when writing a poem - I don't know about anyone else but I'm always coming across words that are new to me, if I have to use a dictionary then I do - how else do we learn?
I've got nothing against including perhaps unfamiliar words in a poem, or even quite technical ones (and this was very technical as far as I was concerned - I gave up Biology as soon as I could, on grounds of squeamishness rather than proficiency.) I just think it's the wrong place for it, just before the punchline. Most people seem to have coped with it OK, so...

Cheers,

Jon

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Re: Titas

Post by Lake » Thu Sep 25, 2008 4:45 pm

Hi Barrie,

Just curious to ask, did you get the title after the poem was written?
Honestly, I got a bit morbid feel reading the first four lines, but liked it.

Sharp as always.
Lake

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Re: Titas

Post by barrie » Fri Sep 26, 2008 9:49 am

Cheers Jon
Elphin wrote:but wondered if Titas as a title was a bit too "clever"
- I'm surprised at that, I've always found 'Titas' to be quite a popular nickname for pennypinchers. It's just a contraction of 'Tightarse' or 'Tight as a duck's arse'. I guess that answers Lake's question too.

Thanks all.

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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