Echoes ....(slight edit)

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barrie
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Echoes ....(slight edit)

Post by barrie » Wed Sep 10, 2008 6:10 pm

In this dome of bone
thoughts drip,
slip back
into the braindeep pool,
the timedeep pool
of ancestral echoes.
The present flickers, sparks:
agedark instincts
arc across chthonic neurons,
pursuing paths from then to now.
The tracing of a long
forgotten trail,
like blind amnesic fingers
stumbling over braille.


substituted 'redefining' with 'pursuing'.
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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Re: Echoes

Post by TDF » Wed Sep 10, 2008 7:07 pm

hi barrie,

Is it me, or is this quite verbose for you? there's some serious wordage jammed in there... and I love it.

Some really interesting and original word pictures created in there, to describe something that has been described a million times before, yet seems always impossible to discribe... phew.
I like the rhyming, the way it sort of skips through some lines, like the some of those synapses are misfiring.
I'm gonna refrain from quoting, since I think I'd probably quote it all. And love the ending, great image.

I'm sure some bright sparks can work a few tweaks, but tbh, as a piece of writing, as an experiment of sorts, I think this is quite awsome.

nuff sucking up. nice one, mate.
Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words

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Re: Echoes

Post by David » Wed Sep 10, 2008 8:47 pm

An ode to DNA? Or ye olde collective unconscious? (Forever Jung, for all you hapless Bobheads.)

Very good anyway, Baz, but do you need "blind" and "braille"? One predicates the other, methinks.

Chthonic is definitely a triple word score.

Cheers

David

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barrie
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Re: Echoes

Post by barrie » Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:09 am

Thanks Tom and David - I like chthonic, a good Greek word.

cheers

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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Re: Echoes

Post by jms » Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:46 am

Barrie,

Just to reiterate to what's been said above - marvellous stuff. The style, all dank and dark and all, plus the bit of Greek, and the theme for that matter, made me think of Lovecraft's Cthulhu mythos, which was probably unintended, but added considerably to the reading for me!

Great stuff!

Jon

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Re: Echoes

Post by Sharra » Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:54 am

Hi Barrie
I thought this was great, the language is so rich you can taste it. I especially liked 'braindeep', 'timedeep' and 'agedark' and the last 2 lines are fantastic.
I thought having both 'blind' and 'braille' worked, it gave added meaning to the 'amnesiac fingers' that they belonged to someone who once did know braille.
The only line that jarred me slightly was 'redefining links from then to now' and I'm not totally sure why. I thought the meaning of the line worked well, so it maybe be that the tone of the language or the rhythm feels slightly out of kilter with the rest.
Sharra
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Re: Echoes

Post by twoleftfeet » Thu Sep 11, 2008 10:29 am

David wrote:An ode to DNA? Or ye olde collective unconscious? (Forever Jung, for all you hapless Bobheads.)
David
David, it's good to see how much being President of the BPA is controlling your Urge to Pun :)
That, sir, is a Triple Groan score!

Sorry to hijack the thread, Barrie

agedark instincts
arc across chthonic neurons

- is inspired, but should carry a Health Warning for anyone attempting to pronounce it after a few pints.

like blind amnesic fingers
stumbling over braille.

- another great image, although David may have a point about blind/braille.

My only suggestion would be to maybe substitute one of the "pools" for somethine else.
The associations that spring to mind for "pool" and "links" work well IMHO.

You should get a Medulla for this one
Geoff
(I am NOT President of the BPA, sO I don't have standards to maintain)

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Re: Echoes

Post by barrie » Fri Sep 12, 2008 12:41 pm

Thanks Jon - I used to read a lot of Lovecraft back in my schooldays (and before anyone says owt - No, we didn't have to make our own quills!)

Thanks Sharra - Glad someone liked the blind/braille thing - You read it right, it was supposed to mean someone blind who'd forgotten how to read braille and also referred to the 'blind' person who'd forgotten the 'ancestral trail'.
'redefining links from then to now' was the line I had trouble with. I'm still not totally happy with it but it'll have to wait until I can find something better. I'm open to suggestions......and I've just had a thought - 'pursuing links from then to now'. Does that sound any better?

Thanks Geoff -
twoleftfeet wrote: My only suggestion would be to maybe substitute one of the "pools" for somethine else
- I tried that in the first draught but I didn't think it was as strong an image as when 'pool' is doubled up. I've been back to it, but I think it loses something.

I agree with you about David's pun - 'Forever Jung' (God, it's bad) - I think it must be symbolic.

Cheers all

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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Re: Echoes ....(slight edit)

Post by emuse » Fri Sep 12, 2008 1:14 pm

Oh I had such a nice comment and I zapped it--to early for me to be clicking and clacking. I wanted to say that this poem is wonderful and I chime in for all the reasons already stated. I have no nits so I'll just say that this poem got me thinking about how there are two lines down the track, the line of the body and that of spirit. I believe the bodies have their own ancestral line going back to the first bodies on this planet. Anyway, this is more philosophical than poetic so I'll stop here. Chthonic got me thinking it deserves its own poem. Maybe I'll write it one day.

An excellent read B.

Cheers,

e

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Re: Echoes ....(slight edit)

Post by Sharra » Sat Sep 13, 2008 7:28 am

I think 'pursuing' works well - it flows better and ties in with the basic animal hunting instinct.
Sharra
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Re: Echoes ....(slight edit)

Post by barrie » Sun Sep 14, 2008 12:38 pm

Sharra and e - Thanks for your comments.

cheers

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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Re: Echoes ....(slight edit)

Post by Elphin » Mon Sep 15, 2008 2:45 pm

My favourite of yours in recent weeks, barrie.

I love the sounds and chthonic is a great new word for me. A couple of thoughts for you

There were two places where I thought reversing the words might add to the sound effect - slip back to back slip and agedark instincts to instincts agedark.

What about paths rather than links - paths/arc/dark and alliteration on p. Also I think paths seem to suit human history more than links - the lines are unbroken or is that just me.

Minor thoughts only - enjoyed this one a lot

elph

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Re: Echoes ....(slight edit)

Post by barrie » Tue Sep 16, 2008 7:21 pm

Thanks Elph - I don't like the idea of reversing the words but I do like the suggestion of using 'paths' instead of 'links'. I wondered what you were getting at with 'paths/arc/dark' - then I realized. I pronounce 'path' with a short 'A' sound, not with the long 'A' sound like you do.

Thanks for the idea - I'll change it now.

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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