Bloodaxe (edited)

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barrie
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Bloodaxe (edited)

Post by barrie » Mon Aug 25, 2008 6:58 pm

First edit

splitting
thin kindling
curse on the lips
how the blood grows
sprouting rose
spurting petals
taste the metal
feel the bone
knuckle smooth
smooth white bone
on a butcher's block
how the hounds drool
at the fool
with an axe
how the rose flows

--------------------------
splitting
thin kindling
curse on the lips
how the blood grows
sprouting rose
spurting petals
(taste the metal)
feel the bone
knuckle smooth
smooth white ball joint
in a butcher's shop window
how the hounds drool
at the fool
with an axe
how the rose flows
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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Re: Bloodaxe

Post by emuse » Tue Aug 26, 2008 4:03 am

Been hanging about the butcher's shop eh? Mutton to do with your time heh heh :)

I like this charming poem quite well. In this case I have a quibble with the title because it gives it away. I also feel your last line might be redundant since the rose is evident in the vision of the axe hitting the meat bone and the blood flowing out (rosing) to the surface. A little change? Otherwise very neat, or should I say meat.

Cheers!

e

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Re: Bloodaxe

Post by twoleftfeet » Tue Aug 26, 2008 11:22 am

I have to disagree with E - keep the last line

(btw E, get thee to the BPA - "Mutton" indeed! :) )

I can't fault this, but I have a suggestion:
"butcher's block" would be , I think, a better location than "butcher's shop-window" . Bones normally end up in a box.

Barrie, did you cut yourself to the bone? :shock:

Nice one
Geoff

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Re: Bloodaxe

Post by juliadebeauvoir » Tue Aug 26, 2008 12:57 pm

This is why I buy my hamburger meat neatly packaged in the store.
I thought at first that maybe Bloodaxe was a reference to Eric Bloodaxe and his witchy wife--'curse on the lips.' Maybe it is deftly entwined in your butchers tale after all.
I liked the slippery 'splitting, spurting, sprouting'--words for something living rather than the grimness of death--you entwined both concepts well. Very power packed little poem.
Liked it!

Cheers,
Kim
"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you."

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Re: Bloodaxe

Post by dedalus » Tue Aug 26, 2008 1:39 pm

I can be notoriously dim but I've read this about six times now (admittedly it doesn't take all that long to read, unlike some of the poems of our more long-winded brethren, naming no names) and it strikes me as a jigsaw puzzle of sorts where some of the lines need to be re-arranged and others left in place, with a very good chance that three or four pieces (lines) are missing ....

This sequence is bloody good (no pun intended) down to the repetition of "smooth":
feel the bone
knuckle smooth
smooth white ball joint
in a butcher's shop window
d.

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Re: Bloodaxe

Post by Elphin » Tue Aug 26, 2008 3:04 pm

barrie

I just know there is more to this than simply splitting sticks - but I'll be damned if I can get it. Let me think.

What I do have to say though is that the sounds in this are magnificent - I started to pick some out but they are all note worthy. Ok - ill go for the first three lines as examples.

I like emuse butchers block suggestion and did you mean to repeat smooth?

One of the best sounding pieces I have read for a while.

elphin

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Re: Bloodaxe

Post by Wabznasm » Tue Aug 26, 2008 4:05 pm

Is this about Eric, by any chance? Somehow I don't think so.

This, to my eye, is one of two things:

1) A sort of delayed recognition of a butcher chopping meat

or

2) A man chopping firewood and then having his chopping compared to a butcher chopping meat. We're then taken back to the man chopping wood and the previous image allows for a new interpretation of the cut wood: that it is full of blood and that the dogs hunger for it.

If 1) then I think E is right about the last line being redundant since the blood has already flowed from the meat and, since now it hangs in a window, does not anymore. And 'fool' seems very rhyme driven -- why is he a fool? There's no previous hint, unless this is a very slight reference to the old old viking, and I wouldn't put that past your general knowledge.

If 2) then I just have a problem with 'fool'

Great
Dave

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Re: Bloodaxe

Post by Lake » Tue Aug 26, 2008 8:14 pm

dedalus wrote: This sequence is bloody good (no pun intended) down to the repetition of "smooth":
feel the bone
knuckle smooth
smooth white ball joint
in a butcher's shop window
d.
I can't help recalling Chef Ting's Art of Butchering An Ox.

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Re: Bloodaxe

Post by Sharra » Tue Aug 26, 2008 8:26 pm

I thought this was about someone cutting wood then cutting themselves and having that moment of clarity - that what's underneath our skin is the same as what's seen in a butchers shop. This has to be about a fresh cut, as dead meat doesn't bleed or taste of metal.

I loved the rhythm of this, I can hear it as I read, but it feels like it needs a little polishing, at times the rhythm/rhyme seems to have been given precedence to the language.

The first 3 lines worked really well for me, but then I thought that
how the blood grows
sprouting rose
was saying the same thing. I also wasn't sure about 'rose' being repeated. I think I prefer it the first time as there's the link with 'petals' there.
(taste the metal)
The brackets spoilt the flow for me, although I understand the aside, could you use the metal taste idea more inclusively?

For me from 'feel the bone' to the end is great, although linking back to what I said previously about 'rose' I think maybe you could lose the last line, and maybe tweak 'the fool / with an axe' to 'the axe' to give it more significance and tie it back in to the beginning? I think
how the hounds drool
at the fool
with the axe
could be quite a punchy end.

Sharra
xx
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits

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Re: Bloodaxe

Post by Oskar » Wed Aug 27, 2008 11:04 am

My first reaction was that it might have something to do with Nordic mythology, bearing in mind the title and that this is written by you. Also your use of curse and hounds would fit nicely into a myth. Unfortunately, I know next to nothing about such things, so I looked elsewhere for an answer.

There is a Nick Cave quality to the words that sent me off looking for something that would fit. Deadend. The nearest I got to a compatible lyric was, Where the Wild Roses Grow - but the deed is done with a rock.

Is our prime suspect an habitual murderer? Are the hounds perhaps the media waiting for another shocking story to get their teeth into?

Alright. I haven't got a clue.

There is a compelling rhymn to this that gives it the feel of an incantation. It's driven and sinister. With that in mind, and to give the line added punch, I would want to alter

in a butcher's shop window

and shorten it, as Geoff suggested, to

on a butcher's block

The last line must stay, IMO because of the near repetition.

Cheers.
"This is going to be a damn masterpiece, when I finish dis..." - Poeterry

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barrie
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Re: Bloodaxe

Post by barrie » Wed Aug 27, 2008 7:05 pm

I think I can answer everyone together on this one rather than one by one. It's a strange one this, a chimaera that I can't really seperate. Kim got the Eric Bloodaxe bit - that's how it started. I was reading about him and his witch of a wife last week, how he butchered his own brothers etc - a bit of a rum lad, as they say in Jorvic. Anyway, over the weekend I was reminded of how I'd sliced away all the flesh from a knuckle when I'd been distracted whilst splitting an oak log into 'thin kindling'. The drink was flowing at the time of the reminder and this flowed out later, as well as the usual bi-product (make your comments now).

So it's not about 'meat' as such, as Sharra spotted.

'Splitting thin kin - dling' - was a reference to chopping wood and Bloodaxe splitting his kin - obscure intit?

'Curse on the lips' - My effing and blinding and a reference to Bloodaxe's wife.

Maybe the bracket's could go, Sharra - you're probably right about that.

Bones in a butcher's shop window are based on childhood memory. Butchers used to give bones away to people with dogs or for folks to make soup with - so when they had them, they displayed them. I still remember the shiny blue-white ball joints, the same colour as my knuckle before the blood came. Still I'll take your advice here, Geoff and use 'butcher's block', it links in nicely with the chopping block (yew of course) that I used for firewood.

Wab - The fool was me for axing without due care and attention - a foolish thing indeed.

So thanks all, some interesting thoughts and interpretations, but at least it seemed to work for some reason - this was one I had real doubts about posting.

Thanks again
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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