Week of First Drafts - Monday - Supersonic

Beat writers' block here.
brianedwards
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Re: Week of First Drafts - Monday - Supersonic

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jan 12, 2010 1:29 am

stuartryder wrote:Supersonic? Not any old sonnet.
(Sort of song found all over this planet.)
Something new, square-capped knee,
Sall-and-bocket joint, that's my
Intention, twist the ligament,
Change the lyric into a twig and then
Fuck it, chuck it in a stream,
Wait for the river's intervention,
Current hurtling through a dream.
A batch of bream unsettled,
A coot thrashes through nettles.
It takes off, the lake sloughs
Its calm for good, as a Nimrod
(One time a Comet) goes Supersonic.
Super, sonically speaking. Fookin' Ace.

B.

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Re: Week of First Drafts - Monday - Supersonic

Post by stuartryder » Tue Jan 12, 2010 1:38 am

brianedwards wrote:
stuartryder wrote:Supersonic? Not any old sonnet.
(Sort of song found all over this planet.)
Something new, square-capped knee,
Sall-and-bocket joint, that's my
Intention, twist the ligament,
Change the lyric into a twig and then
Fuck it, chuck it in a stream,
Wait for the river's intervention,
Current hurtling through a dream.
A batch of bream unsettled,
A coot thrashes through nettles.
It takes off, the lake sloughs
Its calm for good, as a Nimrod
(One time a Comet) goes Supersonic.
Super, sonically speaking. Fookin' Ace.

B.

~
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Re: Week of First Drafts - Monday - Supersonic

Post by ray miller » Tue Jan 12, 2010 10:35 am

Reckoning

To my reckoning, tobogganing's
the white-knuckle ride, par excellence;
the whoosh of the wind
and the unbroken bend
as you swerve undisturbed dog excrement.
In this rarefied air the uncritical ear
is unable to rumble the avalanche;
the snow-blinded eye
does not see what may lie
underfoot or over the precipice.
Reconsider that shit
and the size of those prints:
there's a polar bear seeking new premises.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Week of First Drafts - Monday - Supersonic

Post by bodkin » Tue Jan 12, 2010 6:50 pm

Very slanty, and finishing with a bang too. I like it.
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Re: Week of First Drafts - Monday - Supersonic

Post by ray miller » Tue Jan 12, 2010 10:00 pm

Brian I learnt a new word in "felching", pampered twits seems oddly out of place amidst the cunts and arses and fartin'.

Raine yes, very clever, when are you gonna shoot the dog?

anniecat, nice sentiment at the end there.

zootsuitmod, I liked this very much, says what it wants to say economically and with wit. Don't think you need a semi-colon after "who".

k-j , intriguing and intricate but for me that "ring a ding" is spoiling it.

stuart , thought it were great but better if you'd ended at "intervention".

bodkin , I thought it clever and amusing but is there that much slant rhyme and alliteration?

Brian , Brilliant mostly.thought the passage from "He'd read no rubric....Englishman's palate" was top stuff.

Ros , very nice, "the bubble of magma. The air smells of sulphur" I loved.
Last edited by ray miller on Tue Jan 12, 2010 10:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Week of First Drafts - Monday - Supersonic

Post by bodkin » Tue Jan 12, 2010 10:48 pm

ray miller wrote:bodkin , I thought it clever and amusing but is there that much slant rhyme and alliteration?
Well I was trying to build slant-rhymes internally to the lines and I was trying not to make them too direct, heavily slanted if you like.

I was trying things like conspirators/dilatory, louses/houses, repute/unwell/suds/wrung, half/faux, halves/part...

and some others which are even more of a stretch.

I tried to save the alliteration for the end:

(W)one/Woman

and

aNother/iNamorata/Name -- which is "slant alliteration", if you like: N's all the way but extra initial vowels as well...

I was trying to be too clever, I'm sure...

Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/

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Re: Week of First Drafts - Monday - Supersonic

Post by brianedwards » Wed Jan 13, 2010 2:04 am

ray miller wrote:Brian I learnt a new word in "felching", pampered twits seems oddly out of place amidst the cunts and arses and fartin'.
Ray, I took a shot there, wanted something slightly affected to add to the insult. Hmmm . . . .
Brian , Brilliant mostly.thought the passage from "He'd read no rubric....Englishman's palate" was top stuff.
Cheers Ray. Bit of a slow start perhaps? Will probably work on this some more.

B.

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