Line break workshop

Beat writers' block here.
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Ros
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Line break workshop

Post by Ros » Mon May 04, 2009 9:09 am

Line breaks - not always easy to get effective. So I thought this might be fun. Here's a published poem with the breaks removed. Have a go at posting your own version, putting the breaks where you think they are most effective, then we can discuss our various versions. Perhaps we can improve on the original!


The beach will remain empty for more slate-coloured dawns of lines the surf continually creases with its sponge, and someone else will come from the still-sleeping house, a coffee mug warming his palm as my body once cupped yours, to memorize this passage of a salt-sipping tern, like when some line on a page is loved, and it's hard to turn.
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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David
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Re: Line break workshop

Post by David » Mon May 04, 2009 2:58 pm

This is a great idea, Ros. Here's my go.

The beach will remain empty
for more slate-coloured dawns
of lines the surf continually
creases with its sponge,
and someone else will come
from the still-sleeping house,
a coffee mug warming
his palm as my body
once cupped yours, to memorize
this passage of a salt-sipping tern,
like when some line
on a page is loved,
and it's hard to turn.

k-j
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Re: Line break workshop

Post by k-j » Mon May 04, 2009 9:33 pm

Excellent idea. This is how I'd parse it, giving it a loose abab:

The beach will remain empty
for more slate-coloured dawns
of lines the surf continually
creases with its sponge,

and someone else will come
from the still-sleeping house,
a coffee mug warming his palm
as my body once cupped yours,

to memorize this passage
of a salt-sipping tern,
like when some line on a page
is loved, and it's hard to turn.

I think it would be even more interesting to try a poem without any obvious rhymes.
fine words butter no parsnips

David
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Re: Line break workshop

Post by David » Tue May 05, 2009 4:53 pm

Doggone it. I think k-j's right. I missed the obvious rhymes.

Ros
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Re: Line break workshop

Post by Ros » Tue May 05, 2009 6:23 pm

k-j has it perfect. I was trying for something not too difficult, but this is perhaps too obvious. I'll have a hunt for another one, unless anyone has any ideas?

It's called 'To Norline' and it's by Derek Walcott. And the first word should be This (sorry).
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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tool
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Re: Line break workshop

Post by tool » Thu Dec 03, 2009 5:57 am

The beach will remain empty
for I suffer to tread in the
slate- coloured morn, lashed lines
of surf continually pound;

eyes punished for lack of sleep
will come, from the sleeping,
a coffee cup a brim, warming
her hands, as my body warmed her's.

Love is diligence devoid of reward
Like the line on a page is loved
but you never wrote it, but evident
that she did.

tool

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Re: Line break workshop

Post by Ros » Thu Dec 03, 2009 8:48 am

See what you can do when you're a bit more controlled with the writing, Gavin? I'm glad this inspired you. I like the idea in the last verse, that she wrote it rather than you.

Ros
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KevJ
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Re: Line break workshop

Post by KevJ » Sun May 30, 2010 2:59 pm

The beach will remain empty
for more slate-coloured dawns
of lines the surf continually creases
with its sponge,

and someone else will come
from the still-sleeping house,
a coffee mug warming his palm
as my body once cupped yours,

to memorize this passage
of a salt-sipping tern,
like when some line on a page is loved,
and it's hard to turn.
I am not a number ... I am a FREE man!

ray miller
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Re: Line break workshop

Post by ray miller » Mon May 31, 2010 10:11 am

Liked this, the sentiment at the end is fine, though that final line seems rather too brief and maybe "as when some line".
I thought "dawns of lines" a bit clumsy, I'd be tempted to squeeze horizons in somewhere.
2nd verse is very nice too, like what you're doing with cupped.
Enjoyable read.
Whereabouts in Brum are you stationed? I'm an ex-Brummie myself.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

KevJ
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Re: Line break workshop

Post by KevJ » Mon May 31, 2010 3:20 pm

ray miller wrote:Liked this, the sentiment at the end is fine, though that final line seems rather too brief and maybe "as when some line".
I thought "dawns of lines" a bit clumsy, I'd be tempted to squeeze horizons in somewhere.
2nd verse is very nice too, like what you're doing with cupped.
Enjoyable read.
Whereabouts in Brum are you stationed? I'm an ex-Brummie myself.

Hi Ray, I'm in Kings Norton. Whereabouts you from?
I am not a number ... I am a FREE man!

ray miller
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Re: Line break workshop

Post by ray miller » Mon May 31, 2010 6:00 pm

Shit! I only just noticed the purpose of the exercise. Apologies, Kev. I'll PM you.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Line break workshop

Post by brianedwards » Mon May 31, 2010 9:24 pm

Good idea for an exercise Ros, but something without rhymes would have been a better choice?

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