The reckoning

Pauline
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The reckoning

Post by Pauline » Wed Mar 30, 2016 10:08 pm

Mary-Lou reckons you will rape me soon
as look at me. Says you are an unmade
bed with sheets that never cool. A lover
of dogs in six inch heels and skirts waiting
to be lifted, and if I should succumb
to your rum and coke charm I will become
another ride in your private fairground.

Mary-Lou is hiding in the shadows
of her own advice. She says you jumped her
garden gate one Sunday you had nothing
better to do, with a bottle of joy
and a willing mouth hoping to wander
the avenues of her dimly lit bloom.
One treat and she rolled over you. I reckon.

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Re: The reckoning

Post by AlexSarll » Wed Mar 30, 2016 10:31 pm

Hi Pauline. I loved this poem, it's very dark and rather scary- the imagery is so brilliantly effective- "another ride in your private fairground"- so creepy, chilling, unsettling and sad. Is Mary-lou the voice of the narraters doubt and past experience? There's a slight uncertainty about the initial prediction "you will rape me soon," in the sense that Mary lou is "hiding"- is she astutely perceptive, or darkly cynical? I thought this poem was brilliant, please post more! xx

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Re: The reckoning

Post by Antcliff » Thu Mar 31, 2016 11:33 am

Hi Pauline.

Yes, this is great, dark stuff. I liked the fairground line and the hanging pause at that first line. And the idea of hiding in the shadows of your own advice.

Ace.

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: The reckoning

Post by Ros » Thu Mar 31, 2016 11:37 am

Yep, very good. Excellent line breaks on soon and jumped her. Very skilful!

Ros
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Re: The reckoning

Post by ray miller » Thu Mar 31, 2016 12:59 pm

Nice poem. Hasn't Mary-Lou featured in another of your poems? That makes it a bit scarier, actually, Pauline.

She says you jumped her
garden gate one Sunday you had nothing
better to do

I'd put a comma after gate.

One treat and she rolled over you. - wouldn't it be better without you, or rolled over for you?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: The reckoning

Post by Macavity » Fri Apr 01, 2016 6:01 am

Yes, scary poem Pauline. rape is an emotive word, but the emotion here is delivered in the 'teenage' voice - a sort of acceptance of the inevitable that doesn't weight the violation. Very effective in that sense, translates the sense of perceived powerlessness, self-worth, and the moral frame of this world (the judgement is weighted to the 'friend' not him).
Pauline wrote:Mary-Lou reckons you will rape me soon...........this opening line sets the tone, frames the perspective, impacts
as look at me. Says you are an unmade........................the line break, the use if the vernacular, who she addresses, has shock value
bed with sheets that never cool. A lover......................the bed image conveys the animal nature of the predator here
of dogs in six inch heels and skirts waiting.....................the 'asking for it' market
to be lifted, and if I should succumb.............succumb/rum/become...the chimes draw attention to themselves, detract from narrative?
to your rum and coke charm I will become..............you could tone down the poetic device by an edit of the end rhyme
another ride in your private fairground...............it doesn't sound as if there is anything private about this predator's actions

Mary-Lou is hiding in the shadows............................the chill factor of the context, where the judgement lies - on the 'friend' not him
of her own advice. She says you jumped her....................excellent enjambment, and play on 'gate'
garden gate one Sunday you had nothing................................so much for Sabbath morals!
better to do, with a bottle of joy..................echo of the vernacular in S2L2, and as effective
and a willing mouth hoping to wander
the avenues of her dimly lit bloom................................................yes, this a murky world
One treat and she rolled over you. I reckon..........the repeat of reckon seals the perspective
Agree with Ray on the last line edit (though I presume you want her on top for acquiescence). Also agree with Ros on the line breaks.
The irony of the title works too.

Skilful write, draws the reader into a reality.

best

mac

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Re: The reckoning

Post by David Smedley » Fri Apr 01, 2016 7:19 pm

I too enjoyed this Pauline. The dogs in high heels brought a smile, as did the rum and coke charm.
I too thought the last line could be reworked.

David.

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Re: The reckoning

Post by Pauline » Fri Apr 01, 2016 10:19 pm

OMG!
I've just spent an hour thanking everyone for taking their time spent on this.
I personally went through each and every critique and commented on their feedback.
I am sooo pissed off.
Listen guys,
I don't have the time to do it again .
I will just say that I totally appreciate your feedback.
I have taken all comments on board and agree that the last line on this lets me down.
I knew this when I posted it.
As well as other nits.
I am chuffed to bits with all comments.
Thank you so much.

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Re: The reckoning

Post by Ros » Fri Apr 01, 2016 10:23 pm

You lost your reply? No problem. Good poem!

Ros
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Re: The reckoning

Post by ton321 » Sat Apr 02, 2016 12:15 am

Now theres some lines that made me sit up and spill my Horlicks

Mary-Lou reckons you will rape me soon
as look at me. Says you are an unmade
bed with sheets that never cool

The strength of the poem lies in the contrast between the innocence of the narrator and the brutality of what she speaks, then as if we hadn't got enough to worry about, who the heck is Mary-Lou?
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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Re: The reckoning

Post by Pauline » Sat Apr 02, 2016 10:51 pm

Thanks Ros :D
Cheers Ton.
Hope you didn't scald yourself.
Mary-Lou is .......a dog :D

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Re: The reckoning

Post by Jackie » Sun Apr 03, 2016 11:26 am

Love the poem—to me, who Mary-Lou is, is in the reader's eye.

Personally, I'd disagree with Ray's
One treat and she rolled over you. - wouldn't it be better without you, or rolled over for you?
because the changes would make Mary-Lou take a docile traditional woman's role. I like her better rolling over him.

Jackie

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Re: The reckoning

Post by Pauline » Tue Apr 05, 2016 10:39 pm

Jackie wrote:Personally, I'd disagree with Ray's
One treat and she rolled over you. - wouldn't it be better without you, or rolled over for you?
because the changes would make Mary-Lou take a docile traditional woman's role. I like her better rolling over him.

Jackie
That's exactly what I wanted Jackie.
I want Mary -Lou to to come across as a strong character.

The last line is not punchy enough to portray this.
It needs more clout.
I only have 8 syllables to work with.
I need to get the dog reference in to pull the whole thing together.
I'm working on it.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

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Re: The reckoning

Post by Moth » Sun Apr 17, 2016 11:53 pm

Funny, but after line 1 I don't read this as dark other than the night-time setting. I simply take it to be about youthful female rivalry and hints at the pot calling the kettle. Yes, Mary Lou is strong, but so is the narrator albeit in a quieter way. Both just as bitchy! Love the tone and the line breaks work well - as does the title. Excellent.
to be totally honest... whenever you feel you really shouldn't write that, that's exactly what you should write.

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Re: The reckoning

Post by Pauline » Sat Apr 23, 2016 12:07 am

Thanks Moth.
It's not really meant to be dark.
Moth wrote:female rivalry and hints at the pot calling the kettle.
Yep, you've got it.
Mary-Lou is a snake.
Moth wrote:the line breaks work well - as does the title. Excellent.
Well, that puts a smile on my face :D
Thank you.

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Re: The reckoning

Post by the stranger » Sat Apr 23, 2016 1:28 am

Those first lines grab you, then (quite surprisingly) the poem doesn't let go. Skillful stuff, the balance, the setting, the language.

Not too convinced with "dimly lit bloom" It sounds great, works well internally rhymed, but what does it really convey?

A pleasure to read.

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Re: The reckoning

Post by Pauline » Thu May 05, 2016 9:05 pm

the stranger wrote:.

Those first lines grab you, then (quite surprisingly) the poem doesn't let go. Skillful stuff, the balance, the setting, the language.
Well, thanks for that Stranger. Glad to hear I managed to grab you.
the stranger wrote: Not too convinced with "dimly lit bloom" It sounds great, works well internally rhymed, but what does it really convey?
It means Mary -Lou hasn't seen much action lately in the "Passion" department.
the stranger wrote:A pleasure to read.
Well, that makes me smile.
Thank you for the feedback :)

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Re: The reckoning

Post by bodkin » Sat May 07, 2016 4:19 pm

I'm late to the party but I also really like this.

It's tight, controlled and strong, not a word out of place.

Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/

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Re: The reckoning

Post by Firebird » Sat May 07, 2016 6:15 pm

Cracking poem. I especially liked,

Mary-Lou is hiding in the shadows
of her own advice.

Fantastic.

What on earth is this doing in the beginners forum?

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: The reckoning

Post by David » Sat May 07, 2016 6:57 pm

How did I miss this? It's terrific, Pauline. That last "I reckon" is genius.

You're definitely doing this one in Manchester, I hope.

Cheers

David

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Re: The reckoning

Post by Pauline » Tue May 10, 2016 8:46 pm

bodkin wrote: It's tight, controlled and strong, not a word out of place.
:D Well that put the biggest smile on my face.
Thanks Ian.
Firebird wrote:Cracking poem. I especially liked,

Mary-Lou is hiding in the shadows
of her own advice.

Fantastic.

What on earth is this doing in the beginners forum?

Cheers,

Tristan
Oooh errr!
Thanks for the vote of confidence Tristan.
Gotta say that gave me a buzz.
Thank you so much.
Can't smile wide enough.
David wrote:How did I miss this? It's terrific, Pauline. That last "I reckon" is genius.

You're definitely doing this one in Manchester, I hope.

Cheers

David
:D Yay. Thanks David.
I will of course do this in Manchester.
Hopefully I have more to offer.
Whoooo. So looking forward to seeing you , Ray, Peter, Ros, Ian , Seth and the others again.

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Re: The reckoning

Post by bodkin » Tue May 10, 2016 9:20 pm

Did you notice you got nominated?
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/

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Re: The reckoning

Post by Pauline » Tue May 10, 2016 9:44 pm

bodkin wrote:Did you notice you got nominated?
No. Nominated for what?
Whatever it is, makes me smile.
:D

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Re: The reckoning

Post by Moth » Wed May 11, 2016 4:43 am

to be totally honest... whenever you feel you really shouldn't write that, that's exactly what you should write.

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Re: The reckoning

Post by Pauline » Wed May 11, 2016 6:55 am

Yay.
Well that has got me grinning like a Cheshire cat.
Chuffed to bits.
Thanks guys :D

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