Silk & Soup

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lotus
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Silk & Soup

Post by lotus » Tue Mar 20, 2018 9:50 am

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“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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Re: Silk & Soup

Post by Ros » Wed Mar 21, 2018 9:46 am

Hello silent lotus, nice to see you around.

An interesting contrast, although I'm not really seeing the connection between the two parts. I like the introduction of solidly technological streetlamps into a poem that emphasises the natural setting.

I'm confused by 'her speak' - why not 'her speech'? I like the lettering but again not sure about indelible - I would have thought such lettering would be pretty easy to remove with a bit of scraping?

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Re: Silk & Soup

Post by churinga » Wed Mar 21, 2018 5:07 pm

'the friends of those that called themselves my enemies' is a great line, the rest of the poem suffers from cliche and poor syntax. This seems to be a publishing doc and is fuzzy and can't be copied/pasted. The poem has a certain charm, use of cliched phrases is its main flaw.

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Re: Silk & Soup

Post by lotus » Fri Mar 23, 2018 9:07 am

greetings Ros
indeed a pleasure to be with you here

i'm grateful for having finally found a way to post my poems as images here in the Grave
so that i can retain my layout and fonts

your mention of "speech" is wonderful....
for me "speak" is more about the being of what she suggests ,, her expressions about her meaning // opinions
speak is perhaps what her character reflects ......

and your observation about "indelible " is spot on ..... gold leaf is very fragile yet Gold is so often interpreted as reflecting permanence on the earth plane
and ethereal dimensions....hopefully then it presents a myriad of possibilities ....allows for each reader to bring their own experience

the connection between the first and second part.....for me is how we engage in conversation or that which we overhear
and if we allow ourselves or not, to listen to an other person's truths without passing judgement

i hope spring has come to your north sea island
we shift to spring daylight savings time in two days here in the land of windmills

a warm smile
silent lotus

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“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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Re: Silk & Soup

Post by lotus » Fri Mar 23, 2018 10:54 am


dear Churinga

i am grateful for your creating the time to be with this poem

one of my enjoyments of travel
has been to observe and taken in

i've noticed that often there is a varied interpretation of expressions
sometimes within a distance of only some kilometers and at times continents
as well as what is perceived as a phrase or opinion that is overused and betrays a lack of original thought.

would you be kind enough to share with me what your individuality feels are cliches in this scribble of mine

many thankyuuus
silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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Re: Silk & Soup

Post by 1lankest » Fri Mar 23, 2018 11:16 am

'arms length away' is idiomatic and cliched but it works here, I think. I find the poem's language original I just don't have a clue what's being said, really. Perhaps more grounded imagery needed.

Cheers,

L

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Re: Silk & Soup

Post by Antcliff » Fri Mar 23, 2018 12:23 pm

1lankest wrote:'arms length away' is idiomatic and cliched but it works here, I think. I find the poem's language original I just don't have a clue what's being said, really. Perhaps more grounded imagery needed.

Cheers,

L
Greetings, Silent. Nice to see you calling by. :D

Has PC collapsed? I've not called by there since the new landlord took over and various old faces departed for foreign lands. I know a new site was set up by various ex-eds, but I haven't visited.

Agree with Luke..."Arm's length" is a cliche, but perhaps it is suitably idiomatic here.
However, I couldn't follow the last stanza I'm afraid. I think Churinga has a point about the syntax there.


Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
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Re: Silk & Soup

Post by lotus » Fri Mar 23, 2018 12:50 pm

Antcliff wrote:
Greetings, Silent. Nice to see you calling by. :D

Has PC collapsed? I've not called by there since the new landlord took over and various old faces departed for foreign lands. I know a new site was set up by various ex-eds, but I haven't visited.


Seth

Jay D....is still at PC under his own name and the many aliases that he uses
it has turned into poems being featured after they receive 8 LIKES from the membership
no more editors

Jay D has started a new website and asking for donations
https://kissmypoetry.com
again posting poems under a few of his aliases

some of the old guard show up from time to time at one these two

https://www.scribblecamp.com

http://ijmp.org/forum/index.php


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“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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Re: Silk & Soup

Post by churinga » Fri Mar 23, 2018 2:41 pm

Since you asked.
'night black' is not only cliche but at odds with 'dined under streetlights' black means without light, 'god's sky' is also archaic, which god? and if it is black how can you see the sky.''desert' has two meanings, your syntax leaves both as a possiblity which creates unintentional humour. 'plate glass' is also a pun on plate meaning dinner plate, either as an intentional or unintentiona pun it is at odds witht the tone of the poem, 'eternity of her beauty' is also cliche, eternity is a broad abstract, which needs a more concise context, why is it eternal, beauty is again another broad abstract. Silence is another broad abstract, the poem fails because it relies too much on these over used abstractions which are cliches for that reason, they are over used.

Also when you post poems you can use various commands to create the lay out you want, the only thing you can't change is the font. You don't need to post a photo of a page from a book, it looks amateurish and second hand.
I do like the ethereal nature of the poem, the opening line is very good, I have the impression English is not your first language.
I did not want to be so critiical, since as I have said your poem has charm and is unusual, and it's flaws don't negate it's appeal. But this is the experienced section so I have siad what I think.

best wishes

Ross.

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Re: Silk & Soup

Post by lotus » Sat Mar 24, 2018 10:34 am

1lankest wrote:'arms length away' is idiomatic and cliched but it works here, I think. I find the poem's language original I just don't have a clue what's being said, really. Perhaps more grounded imagery needed.

Cheers,

L

dear L

i'm grateful to hear
that there is a state of cluelessness in the poem

for that is one the finer elements a loiterer entertains
when left to life's observations

life is no more grounded than the earth floating in space

for me the distance of "an arm's length away"
is not only reflective of the distance we feel while part of a living canvas
it also says something about how close or far an artist or a sign painter is
from the subject being painted ,,,, physically and metaphorically


many thankyuuus for your kindness of reply

a warm smile
silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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Re: Silk & Soup

Post by lotus » Sat Mar 24, 2018 2:15 pm

dear Seth
many thankyuuus
i shall ponder and reflect

also .........you and Luke awakened my memory to a scribble from my archives
a warm smile from the land of windmills
silent lotus


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“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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Re: Silk & Soup

Post by lotus » Sun Mar 25, 2018 7:44 am

churinga wrote:Since you asked.
'night black' is not only cliche but at odds with 'dined under streetlights' black means without light, 'god's sky' is also archaic, which god? and if it is black how can you see the sky.
best wishes
Ross.
dear Ross

is it possible that the night black speaks to there not being any stars or planets visible
and that streetlamps in this scene are in effect posing as nearby man made stars ?

and for me god is but an aura of awareness within a sliver of omniscience
thus i have no answer for you of there being any specific god

yet god is maybe
just as Elizabeth Thomas describes ....



Revelation

His T-shirt says, “I am God”.
I think - My lucky day!
I’ll run over,
shake his hand,
ask for an autograph.
I might never have this chance again.

But, as God sits there
waiting to step into
the Vice Principal’s office,
I look closely –
at his faded T-shirt
two sizes too big,
sneakers older than he is,
thin legs swinging
barely long enough to reach the floor,
dirty hands massaging a dirty forehead and think –
This is not God.
This is a little boy
who maybe swore in the lavatory
or tussled on the playground.
A child who probably forgot
to eat breakfast,
did not expect a good-bye kiss.
When he gets home from school today
he’ll let himself in
with the key
that hangs around his neck.
He might help himself to Twinkies
and a glass of Coke,
a micro-waved pizza in front of the TV.

Struggling to raise his head
the circles under his eyes
slope toward his chin,
pick up the lines around his mouth
and carry it down as well.
It’s not easy taking care of the world!

Using the back of his hand
he trails snot and tears across his face
into his hair,
which heads out in all directions
as if just lifted from a pillow.
He looks neglected
like homework after a long weekend.
This boy ain’t been loved in a long time.

I want to walk over
kneel on both knees,
use my sleeve to clean his cheeks,
tie his sneakers.

He looks up
and in his eyes
I see my own son.
Unable to look away,
I want to say something
make some excuse
beg for forgiveness.
But, this is God.
What could I possibly say
he does not already know?

Elizabeth Thomas


`````
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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Re: Silk & Soup

Post by lotus » Mon Mar 26, 2018 8:54 am

churinga wrote: I have the impression English is not your first language.
Ross.

dear Ross

such a lovely observation
thankyuuu for brining it to the forefront

i was born & raised in the land that was once the home of only native Americans
in a place known as The Garden State ,, New Jersey , in between NYC & Philadelphia
my grandparents from Hungary & Russia

while i began with an east coast american english
i have travelled and resided in a small myriad of places
where there are other tongues that have become part & parcel
to my vocabulary of written & vocal scribbles

my language is perhaps a melange of loiter and wanderer

a warm smile
silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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Re: Silk & Soup

Post by JJWilliamson » Mon Mar 26, 2018 9:41 am

Hi, Lotus

This reads like a stream of consciousness poem to me, where one thing leads to another. There is a charm in the seemingly disconnected strophes
that has me puzzling over the raison d'etre, and Yet I find myself liking the movement.

S1 I saw 'god's sky' as the firmament or heavens. If you wanted to imply the black or night you could simply say. " when God's night sky was starless" or "when god's black sky was starless". Makes it easier to follow, I think.

In S2 you move from the plural to the singular, which leads to some confusion on my behalf. If 'the friends' was "a friend" it might help establish a fluidity. If the two strophes are completely disconnected you probably have two poems at work here.

Nevertheless, I stand by my original thoughts. "I find myself liking the movement".

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Silk & Soup

Post by lotus » Tue Mar 27, 2018 7:00 am

JJWilliamson wrote:Hi, Lotus

This reads like a stream of consciousness poem to me, where one thing leads to another. There is a charm in the seemingly disconnected strophes
that has me puzzling over the raison d'etre, and Yet I find myself liking the movement.
dear JJ

indeed life is no more grounded than the earth floating in space
a stream of consciousness is the essence of all of my scribbles
which i note with pen or pencil on paper
i have mountains of these
and at times i sit and type one out
so when i share it is not necessarily something that has just been birthed

for me time is not linear
so what may appear around us as a disconnect
somewhere somehow does connect

i am grateful for your suggestions, i take them in with thanks
for i feel it is important to be a listener

a warm smile
silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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Re: Silk & Soup

Post by lotus » Sat Mar 31, 2018 9:01 am

churinga wrote:Since you asked.

Also when you post poems you can use various commands to create the lay out you want, the only thing you can't change is the font. You don't need to post a photo of a page from a book, it looks amateurish and second hand.
.

Dear Churinga

again i am grateful for your observations

the poems have been created for the screen in Pages which is an Apple software program
they are not photos from a book
and i choose to use the image with shadow ....as i find screens toooo 2 dimensional
and of course we have lost the tactile of touch
with which i was once so accustomed to in the years i created prints
from my wood engraving, lithograph and silkscreen endeavors
and later paintings, sculpture and installations
back then i had the good fortune to exhibit them in galleries and a few museums

esthetics are truly important
and we each have our own tendernesses
while i have had quite a number of my poems published in print
i enjoy most the ones that are posted in homes on refrigerators
it is a pleasure to watch them flutter as the door opens and closes

a warm smile
silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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