The Nestling (rev2)

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capricorn
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The Nestling (rev2)

Post by capricorn » Mon Jan 20, 2020 11:47 pm

The Nestling (rev2)

Hunched over the body
tumbled from its sycamore
cradle, her mind takes flight.

He arrived quietly, entwined,
voices hushed
they rushed him away

in a hospital blanket.
Just one glimpse,
no caress or goodbye.

The attic kept her secret,
a shawl folded in a tiny crib,
for forty years

She sings Rock-a-Bye
as marigolds and rosemary
scent the tea carton.

Earth to earth

When sycamore seeds twizzle down,
she wonders where he lies today
and what he might have looked like.

----------------------------------------------
The Nestling (rev 1)

Hunched over the breathless body
tumbled from its sycamore cradle,
her mind took flight to the day

he arrived quietly, entwined,
hurriedly wrapped in a hospital blanket,
rushed away - voices hushed.

One glimpse
no caress
no goodbye

Laying the naked hatchling
in a tea carton, lined with marigolds
and rosemary, she hums Rock-a-Bye.

Earth to earth
empty limbs above
poppy seeds scattered

The attic kept her secret for forty years,
a crib beshawled in white
crocheted by her grandmother.

She wonders where he rests today
and what he might look like
now buds bloom crimson.


-------------------------------------
The Nestling

Crouched over the breathless body
tumbled from its sycamore cradle,
reminiscences flew back.

He arrived quietly entwined in his lifeline,
hurriedly wrapped in a hospital blanket.
Voices hushed, they rushed him away.

One glimpse
no caress
no goodbye

When mother-bird calls from empty twigs.
grief swoops, gripping vulture-like, ripping
as mortal cries combine with avian.

Laying the featherless flesh and bones
in a tea carton, lined with rosemary
and marigolds, she hums Rock-a-Bye.

The attic kept her secret for forty years;
teddies dance in the barren crib on a white
shawl crocheted by her grandmother.

Earth to earth
poppy seeds
scattered

When buds bloom, crumpled crimson
she wonders, what he might look like
today; where is his tiny body nestled?
Last edited by capricorn on Mon Jan 27, 2020 12:07 am, edited 2 times in total.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: The Nestling

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Jan 21, 2020 12:00 pm

.
Hi Eira,
it's a little bit overwritten, I think. The story has enough power on its own.

Crouched over the breathless body
tumbled from its sycamore cradle,
reminiscences flew back
- not keen on 'reminiscences', though like 'sycamore cradle'.

He arrived quietly entwined in his lifeline,
- wonder if you can get away without 'lifeline'?
The internal rhyme makes this too light, I think

hurriedly wrapped in a hospital blanket.
Voices hushed, they rushed him away

One glimpse
no caress
no goodbye
- like the simplicity of this

I think S4 is too overwrought. The subject doesn't
need it and it undercuts rather than lifts. Maybe cut it?


Laying the featherless flesh and bones
- anything better than 'flesh and bones'?
in a tea carton, lined with rosemary
- don't think you need the commas
and marigolds, she hums Rock-a-Bye.
- I'd just swap the order of rosemary and marigolds
(with the herb first it reads like a recipe :) )
Is there an intentional irony in the lullaby?


The attic kept her secret for forty years;
- excellent line, not sure you need the next two.
teddies dance in the barren crib on a white
shawl crocheted by her grandmother.

Earth to earth
- where's the line that's missing here? :)
poppy seeds
scattered
- excellent verse ... almost :)

When buds bloom, crumpled crimson
- the alliteration is a bit distracting here.
she wonders, what he might look like
today; where is his tiny body nestled?
- the idea and sentiment work, not convinced
by the execution and ending on 'nestled'
seems too contrived. Finish with 'today'?



My twopenn'orth ...


Bent over the breathless body, too still
and
tumbled from its sycamore cradle,
her mind takes flight

to the day he arrived, too still, too
quietly entwined, wrapped in a hospital
blanket, hushed voices, rushed away

from her
One glimpse
no caress
no goodbye


Laying the featherless flesh and bones
in a tea carton, lined with marigolds
and rosemary, humming Rock-a-Bye.

Earth to earth
....
poppy seeds
scattered

The attic kept her secret for forty years;
she wonders, what he might look like
today; When buds bloom crimson



Regards, Not


.

capricorn
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Re: The Nestling (rev1)

Post by capricorn » Fri Jan 24, 2020 1:04 am

Hi Not,

I wrote this some time ago when I used to be a bit over the top. I decided it was worth resurrecting it. Thanks for the suggestions. Revision written.

Eira

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Re: The Nestling (rev1)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Jan 24, 2020 12:36 pm

.
Hi Eira,
definitely worth resurrecting, and I think the revision is a (large, though not quite seven-league)
step in the right direction. Could you be even more brutal? (An obvious cut would be 'hurriedly'
in S2, given 'rushed away' in the next line).
I've had a go at a much, much, much more truncated version. :)

You've 'nestling' in the title, do you also need 'hatchling'?
Given 'marigold and rosemary' I wondered about Grief and Remembrance for the title.
(That way you could replace 'body' with either 'hatchling' or 'nestling').

If the 'attic kept her secret' does that mean it has done and continues to do so, or is that secret
revealed? I really like this line, but I'm not convinced you need the verse at all. The attic
seems an unnecessary addition. And 'beshawled' is a bit much :)

'empty limbs' isn't quite right, but it's nearby, I think. Something like 'branches to kindling' or
'dawn to dusk'?


From the butcher's shop ...


hunched over the body
tumbled from its sycamore
cradle, her mind takes flight

to the quiet day he arrived
a nuchal cord, wrapped
in a hospital blanket, hushed voices

rushed away
from her
one glimpse

she hums Rock-a-Bye
this one she will bury
with marigolds and rosemary

beneath the sycamore
she wonders where he lies now
and what he might look like



Regards, Not


.

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Re: The Nestling (rev1)

Post by tatterdemalion » Sat Jan 25, 2020 11:24 am

Hi Capricorn, interesting poem. I was most taken by the references to the child. I wondered if there were two poems here? How would they look apart, and could they still work together if separated? I made a few cuts.

The breathless body
tumbled from its sycamore cradle.

Laying the naked hatchling
in a tea carton, lined with marigolds
and rosemary, she hums Rock-a-Bye.

Earth to earth
empty limbs above
poppy seeds scattered


he arrived quietly, entwined,
hurriedly wrapped in a hospital blanket,
rushed away - voices hushed.

One glimpse
no caress
no goodbye

The attic kept her secret for forty years,
a crib beshawled in white
crocheted by her grandmother.

Arranged like this, the ''rock-a-bye'' foreshadow the end stanzas, and with all the child stanzas in the second half I think it improves the read.

capricorn
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Re: The Nestling (rev2)

Post by capricorn » Mon Jan 27, 2020 12:09 am

Revision 2 is probably not as cut as you hoped, Not, but revision is up

Eira

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Re: The Nestling (rev2)

Post by capricorn » Mon Jan 27, 2020 12:38 am

Hi Tatterd,

Thanks for the interesting points you have made. Unfortunately I have just posted a revision I have been working on before I read your post. I will consider everything you have said for future revisions.

Eira

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Re: The Nestling (rev2)

Post by JJWilliamson » Mon Jan 27, 2020 3:31 am

Powerful and sad write, Eira.

I like rev 2 and have but a couple of suggestions, and they're minor.
capricorn wrote:
Mon Jan 20, 2020 11:47 pm
The Nestling (rev2)

Hunched over the body
tumbled from its sycamore
cradle, her mind takes flight.

He arrived quietly, entwined, ...Would a full stop work here? If so a cap would follow, of course.
voices hushed
they rushed him away

in a hospital blanket.
Just one glimpse,
no caress or goodbye.

The attic kept her secret,
a shawl folded in a tiny crib, ...Do you need this comma?
for forty years

She sings Rock-a-Bye
as marigolds and rosemary
scent the tea carton. ...I wasn't sure about the tea carton, wondering about its significance, until I read the other versions.

Earth to earth

When sycamore seeds twizzle down,
she wonders where he lies today
and what he might have looked like. ...Gentle close and nicely reflective. The melancholy is palpable.

Hope some of this helps.

Best

JJ

----------------------------------------------
The Nestling (rev 1)

Hunched over the breathless body
tumbled from its sycamore cradle,
her mind took flight to the day

he arrived quietly, entwined,
hurriedly wrapped in a hospital blanket,
rushed away - voices hushed.

One glimpse
no caress
no goodbye

Laying the naked hatchling
in a tea carton, lined with marigolds
and rosemary, she hums Rock-a-Bye.

Earth to earth
empty limbs above
poppy seeds scattered

The attic kept her secret for forty years,
a crib beshawled in white
crocheted by her grandmother.

She wonders where he rests today
and what he might look like
now buds bloom crimson.


-------------------------------------
The Nestling

Crouched over the breathless body
tumbled from its sycamore cradle,
reminiscences flew back.

He arrived quietly entwined in his lifeline,
hurriedly wrapped in a hospital blanket.
Voices hushed, they rushed him away.

One glimpse
no caress
no goodbye

When mother-bird calls from empty twigs.
grief swoops, gripping vulture-like, ripping
as mortal cries combine with avian.

Laying the featherless flesh and bones
in a tea carton, lined with rosemary
and marigolds, she hums Rock-a-Bye.

The attic kept her secret for forty years;
teddies dance in the barren crib on a white
shawl crocheted by her grandmother.

Earth to earth
poppy seeds
scattered

When buds bloom, crumpled crimson
she wonders, what he might look like
today; where is his tiny body nestled?
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: The Nestling (rev2)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Mon Jan 27, 2020 12:12 pm

.
Hi Eira.
(There's likely a mohel joke there, but I'm too mature to make it.)

Like rev2, but don't think you've quite nailed the landing yet.

Some crumbs to consider ...


Hunched over the body
tumbled from its sycamore
cradle, her mind takes flight.

He arrived entwined, quiet
voices rushed him away
in a hospital blanket.

one glimpse
no caress
no goodbye


The attic keeps her secret,
a shawl folded forty years
by a dust soft crib,

She sings Rock-a-Bye
filling the tea carton
with marigolds and rosemary

for Grief and Remembrance
poppy seeds scattered
what he might look like today?



Regards, Not

.

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Re: The Nestling (rev2)

Post by ray miller » Tue Jan 28, 2020 11:09 am

I think revision 1 is best, though maybe without the 5th stanza.

She sings Rock-a-Bye
as marigolds and rosemary
scent the tea carton.

Laying the naked hatchling
in a tea carton, lined with marigolds
and rosemary, she hums Rock-a-Bye.

I think you need the detail of naked hatchling.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: The Nestling (rev2)

Post by capricorn » Sat Feb 01, 2020 10:54 pm

JJWilliamson wrote:
Mon Jan 27, 2020 3:31 am

She sings Rock-a-Bye
as marigolds and rosemary
scent the tea carton. ...I wasn't sure about the tea carton, wondering about its significance, until I read the other versions.


I have been thinking about that too JJ. I might return to version 1 to make it clearer

Thanks
Eira


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Re: The Nestling (rev2)

Post by capricorn » Sat Feb 01, 2020 10:58 pm

Thanks for your continued support, Not. I feel I am beginning to 'overthink' this and will put it on the back burner for a while. I always come back to a poem in a few weeks and find I see things more clearly after a break.

Eira

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Re: The Nestling (rev2)

Post by capricorn » Sat Feb 01, 2020 11:04 pm

ray miller wrote:
Tue Jan 28, 2020 11:09 am
I think revision 1 is best, though maybe without the 5th stanza.

She sings Rock-a-Bye
as marigolds and rosemary
scent the tea carton.

Laying the naked hatchling
in a tea carton, lined with marigolds
and rosemary, she hums Rock-a-Bye.

I think you need the detail of naked hatchling.
Thanks Ray. That is the stanza that JJ pointed out too. There are parts of revision 1 that I also like better. I'll leave this to stew for a while and rethink.

Eira

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