Tomorrow

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
Post Reply
oggiesnr
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 410
Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 4:28 pm

Tomorrow

Post by oggiesnr » Sun Feb 02, 2020 10:13 pm

Tomorrow

Tomorrow came;
an open coffin,
a few flowers,
Facebook announcement,
flowery condolences.

A scattered handful
dotting the crem.
Eulogy from
a preacher
who never met the man.

A curtain drawn,
a fire lit.
Ashes in an urn,
courtesy of China
delivered by DPC.

Tomorrow came,
Nobody cared.

User avatar
Poet
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 230
Joined: Wed Jun 05, 2019 2:50 pm
Location: Canada
Contact:

Re: Tomorrow

Post by Poet » Sun Feb 02, 2020 11:19 pm

DPC?

ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6535
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Re: Tomorrow

Post by ray miller » Mon Feb 03, 2020 10:10 am

Hello oggiesnr. Been so long I can't remember your name. If I ever did know it. Last two lines you don't need, you've already shown nobody cares. " a few flowers....flowery condolences" is a bit lazy. How about "Facebook announcement/ Nobody liked"? Rest is fine, I think.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

oggiesnr
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 410
Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 4:28 pm

Re: Tomorrow

Post by oggiesnr » Mon Feb 03, 2020 10:04 pm

Thanks for the crit Ray. I'll put my thinking cap on. Maybe "pro forma condolences".

Reason for the last lines were to try and round it off. I suspect I had in my mind the 1970's poster "Suppose they gave a war and no-one came" as well as "Tomorrow never comes."

Food for thought,

Steve

oggiesnr
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 410
Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 4:28 pm

Re: Tomorrow

Post by oggiesnr » Mon Feb 03, 2020 10:06 pm

Poet wrote:
Sun Feb 02, 2020 11:19 pm
DPC?
Should be DHL but it was a flash poem and I had a "senior" moment. Will amend in the rewrite,

Many thanks

Steve

bjondon
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 729
Joined: Wed May 10, 2017 5:04 pm

Re: Tomorrow

Post by bjondon » Tue Feb 04, 2020 5:49 pm

Hi Steve - deadpan at its best. Brilliant start.
I'm inclined to agree with Ray's edits.
If you are wedded to 'Tomorrow's' return you could drop China and make S3 :

A curtain drawn,
a fire lit.
Tomorrow came;
ashes in an urn,
delivered by DHL.


Jules

oggiesnr
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 410
Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 4:28 pm

Re: Tomorrow

Post by oggiesnr » Tue Feb 04, 2020 9:35 pm

Thanks Jules,

I'm going to do an edit in the next day or two and I'll take your points on board,

Steve
bjondon wrote:
Tue Feb 04, 2020 5:49 pm
Hi Steve - deadpan at its best. Brilliant start.
I'm inclined to agree with Ray's edits.
If you are wedded to 'Tomorrow's' return you could drop China and make S3 :

A curtain drawn,
a fire lit.
Tomorrow came;
ashes in an urn,
delivered by DHL.


Jules

User avatar
Poet
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 230
Joined: Wed Jun 05, 2019 2:50 pm
Location: Canada
Contact:

Re: Tomorrow

Post by Poet » Thu Feb 06, 2020 9:33 pm

oggiesnr wrote:
Mon Feb 03, 2020 10:06 pm
Poet wrote:
Sun Feb 02, 2020 11:19 pm
DPC?
Should be DHL but it was a flash poem and I had a "senior" moment. Will amend in the rewrite,

Many thanks

Steve
What's DHL? Does it stand for something?

oggiesnr
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 410
Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 4:28 pm

Re: Tomorrow

Post by oggiesnr » Thu Feb 06, 2020 9:52 pm

It's one of the courier services (home delivery) here in the UK. Think FedEx or similar. It actually stands for "Dalsey, Hillblom and Lynn" who were the founders but it is now a subsiduary of the German Poat Office.

Steve
Poet wrote:
Thu Feb 06, 2020 9:33 pm
What's DHL? Does it stand for something?

Post Reply